The Faulkners

Heaven, Chick Fil-A, and 10 years

2011-09-15T21:17:00.001-07:00

It clicked for her today. It may have been before today but today was the day that she referenced her daddy and said, 'He doesn't even know me ...yet.' While laying her head on her princess pillow with me laying beside her in a twin bed...she longed for him to know her today...not as a baby but as an almost 4 year old.

YET....

yet (yt)

adv.

1. At this time; for the present: isn't ready yet.

2. Up to a specified time; thus far: The end had not yet come.

3. At a future time; eventually: may yet change his mind.

4. Besides; in addition: returned for yet another helping.

5. Still more; even: a yet sadder tale.

6. Nevertheless: young yet wise.

What a word. At a future time...in addition to....still more....you better believe it Campbell. YET we know that he will know her one day. He will know that precious lively firecracker of an angel who would absolutely melt his heart when she cries. He will know her wit, her spunk, her zest and her trademark pig tails. He will know her compassion and her love for every human in her life and even the ones she doesn't know. He will know and relish her aptitude for details and her insatiable need to hold, love on, touch, play with and attend to babies...real ones and fake ones. And she will know him.

THE ULTIMATE YET.......Yet I am always with you: you hold me by my right hand. Ps 73:23 He does hold her with HIS LOVING, TRUSTWORTHY, NAIL-SCARRED right hand. When she realizes that her daddy truly did not know the person she is even more from this point on...I will share this verse with her. I will comfort her with His words because mine are so inadequate comparatively. His right hand and my left.....we are a team and make no mistake Campbell....He's got us!!!

And...in the next breath that little peanut asks me if when we get to heaven if we will be able to 'come down' for a Chick Fil-A milkshake.....and no I'm not kidding. She's three..clearly. Of all the things to 'come down' for....a milkshake seems quite reasonable don't you think? My emotional come apart was quickly diverted by this comment.

And......it's been 10 years tomorrow since Todd met Jesus. My my how life has changed for all of us in the last 10 years.....and in the next 10 it will again. He is the Constant.... for me, there was no other place to turn in the last 10 or the next 65. My prayer tonight is for four sets of parents who have one child on earth and one in heaven. My heart aches for them while I hold onto my living legacies. I truly never understood how Ed and Glenda felt until I had my own babies and even then, I can't even fathom....losing a child cannot be compared. I am humbled to watch Ed and Glenda pour out themselves as a drink offering to other families who have lost children. They use their loss for His glory and I am so proud of how God has used them to help others cope, understand, and laugh again. Todd would be so proud of you both and I am privileged to walk along side you for His glory alone.

What a difference a day can make....a realization of what should be for Campbell and a decade of anniversaries remembered. I stand in awe of what He has done, how He has moved, who He has changed in the last 10 years. Believing Him for exceedingly more than I could ask or imagine.....I Love YOU!!

Today was the day.....

2011-08-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today was the day that my baby boy started his journey to higher learning.....and wow what a day it was. I wanted to share a letter that I wrote him as I reflect on this day. One...so it will be permanent and we won't forget and two...for me to just catalog a flood of emotion.

My beloved Davis,

Today you walked into the halls of Whitesburg Academy and instantly you grew up before my eyes. But, this journey began almost 6 years ago and will continue til Jesus takes us home.

You came into this world with quite a buzz.....mommy was 34 weeks pregnant when Hurricane Katrina changed what your birthday would look like. Instead of Baptist hospital in New Orleans, you met us at ECM hospital in Florence on October 10, 2005....because of a storm...isn't that amazing? It was God's sweet provision for us to have a home and careers that were incredibly accomodating to our situation. BUT, more than any of that...it was the greatest day of my life (besides the day I met Jesus). You were perfect in every way. We cried tears of joy....just like I shed while we were swinging yesterday. You can't understand 'happy tears' but mommy cries lots of those because I am so grateful that your were God's perfect gift to me and daddy.

There is no way to sum up six years in a letter but I am going to try because I want you to know that the little boy that you have become makes me so proud. I adore you and you are a true delight to my soul.

Year one...wow, mommy didn't quite know what she was doing but we had quite the adventure. From New Orleans, to Florence, to Columbus, to San Antonio....you were quite the little trooper for all of our moves. Not to mention, you were the brightest light in our eyes. I learned in that year what it meant to know Jesus in such a way that you could follow me to the cross. I am forever grateful for the fervor that you gave me to pursue His kingdom and all its righteousness. I truly believe that in God sharing the gift of motherhood with me....HE allowed me to really understand the cross in a way I never had. On top of all that...you were the cutest little thing ever and you slept really well...Praise you Jesus:))!

Year two....wow...can you say...PER-SO-NA-LITY!! Man...you were clapping, swim float swimming, not walking (of which I was not sad about but daddy was ultra concerned..ha), high fiving, 'so bigging', and signing with the best of them. You knew what you wanted and went for it. It was amazing to watch you lap up the knowledge and the love of the world around you. You were a constant source of entertainment and joy....you still are.

Year three....well....as your personality grew...so did your will...big smile. We think they might have written a few books on you this year.....like one called 'THE STRONG WILLED CHILD.' You were a t-ball hitting crazy man, knowledge seeking, a red mustang driving, dirt digging, full of life little boy. You gave us quite the run for our money in year three. BUT, with God's word and wise counsel, we trained and we trained and we trained......and we're still training. Growing in wisdom and stature is quite the process....:) Daddy met Jesus in Columbus this year. You didn't really seem to understand at the time the permanence of our new normal. Your life and day to day...minus the evenings... really did not change that dramatically. There was a hole left for all of us that only Jesus can fill for us everyday.

Year four...as we settled and another year of preschool started it became even more apparent to me how intelligently curious you were about everything. The one day that we found 5 different kinds of lichens and you wanted to 'google' them ....I knew I was in for quite the ride. You are a voracious learner and I am so grateful that God has given you this fire. I knew one day soon the training would become fruit. I could see the beginning buds. It's so hard to parent you alone and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that angels must have followed you tenderly everytime you climbed Mark and Elizabeth's crape myrtles and every other time you jumped off something crazy. God is truly our helper and we get that in a very real way. He is your daddy today while yours sits at His feet in heaven waiting for the most amazing reunion one day. Miss Bekka was our earthly angel and carted you and Cam around like y'all were her own kids. We will always be grateful and I don't want you to forget what all she did for you. They ate every 'Monday night meal' with us....and we treasured our sweet little table full of laughs and people but more than that we treasured the company and compassion.

And year 5....wow...Davis you are certainly the most amazing little boy. Since the day you turned 5 our life has been full of the highest highs and some of our lowest lows. We moved to Huntsville and life took on new characteristics and emotions that you had never felt nor experienced. God has again been our Defender, our Provider, our Abba. He was present enough that within this year you heard His call and responded right after your 5th birthday. You were baptized in May and there is no doubt in my mind that pieces of obedience and grace are coming together in the puzzle for you. Your heart is tender to His word and I am so grateful that we can 'talk about it' and move on with Jesus knowing that He has covered us with His blood. It is a treasure to mother a child that constantly keeps me engaged and in tune to His spirit and the truth of Deuteronomy 11:19. You embody walking along and talking about His words.....you bring us back all the time....how grateful I am! As hard as it has been, God has the most amazing purpose for your life. No doubt in my mind....His kingdom will be different with you in it.

So...as I reflect on my uncontrollable tears....and swinging with you....wow...I'm overwhelmed. The swinging brought back these years of swinging and singing 'If you're happy and you know it'....but it brought back the face that I have seen mature into the boy that stands before me with his purple academy shirt, new tennis shoes, and magnetic belt. The years have flown and my love has grown exponentially for who Jesus is in you and for you as one of the ultimate contributors to this thing we call life. With every pump of the swing, I saw new beauty in our ashes. You told me that you wished your daddy could see you go to kindergarten. Of course you wanted that, and I wanted that. But, in reality you know he does....and he is incredibly excited for what your future holds. It's gonna be amazing baby boy. Kindergarten.....watch out. There's a little boy at Table 3 who is God's mighty warrior.

DAVIS'S and MY EBENEZER

2011-04-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. —Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Samuel placed a large stone at the place where this restoration began. He publicly dedicated it as a monument to God's help, God's faithfulness, God's eternal covenant. And as the people got on with their lives, the stone stood there, visible to all who passed that way, a reminder of mercy and restoration.

If I could go get a stone and put it in my yard...like Stonehenge big...I would have on Tuesday, April 19....I would. It would be visible for miles....to all who will listen and look. I'm telling you right now, this past Monday night was my weakest, worst, and the hardest night of my entire tenure as a mother. Now...let's be honest ....there will be many more of those but in 5 and a half years that would have been it.

You all know that Davis has had some pretty extensive counseling over the last year of processing his new normal. He has done an amazing job of 'playing it out' literally. He is such a communicator and leaves nothing to the imagination about how he feels about Blair's death. BUT, this is a process like none other and it comes in waves. The tsunami of his grief hit him Monday night. He was beyond devastated, wailing, sobbing, asking, pleading, and begging me to answer questions that I simply have no answer for and only ONE does....that's the ONE. In his words, he missed Blair's strong arms hugging him after work and he just wanted him to come down from heaven for 4 nights and spend the night with us...and then he could go back. 'I just need to see him so bad,' he would say through salty precious tears that no doubt our Savior will hand to us in a jar when we get there. Oh me....i don't even need to explain the sheer magnitude of my helplessness. What do you say....I had nothing...I was beyond exhausted and the tears of my baby boy had me in a tailspin of questions of my own....not to mention my own salty tear-ridden face. Pathetic cannot even begin to touch the two of us laying in Davis's twin bunk bed.

Finally, after answering with answers that could not suffice but were my best effort, I just decided that we needed to ask the ONE who comforts and binds our wounds that had us bloody. I'm not sure what I said but I do know...the Holy Spirit spoke through me and through Davis's sweet prayers. I left Davis that night calm and I asked him to pray on his own and just talk to God about how he felt. He did....

I woke up the next morning before the kids and just found myself beat up from the night before. I worshipped...because I say this with all sincerity ...that is all I know to do. I have no where else to turn. After being in a state of sheer brokenness for my child and his grief, I was listening to a song about healing when a child read Psalm 139 within the song where He clearly says..

.¹You have looked deep

into my heart, LORD,

and you know all about me.

²You know when I am resting

or when I am working,

and from heaven

you discover my thoughts.

³You notice everything I do

and everywhere I go.

⁴Before I even speak a word,

you know what I will say,

⁵and with your powerful arm

you protect me

from every side.

⁶I can't understand all of this!

Such wonderful knowledge

is far above me.

AND WITH YOUR POWERFUL ARM YOU PROTECT ME FROM EVERY SIDE.....the same words my child has spoken as the one thing that he remembered and missed. I was a mess...you can imagine.

Then he woke up ...our Ebenezer stone laying day....and said the Holy Spirit spoke to him and he saw a box with an angel in it....and the angel said to him...'You will see your daddy soon.'

PAGE BREAK....if you read this and question the 'realness' of Davis's statement....it's ok. I understand. BUT ....even the disciples thought children were a wee bit bothersome and really had no spiritual purpose in the kingdom. Jesus had a few words for them..."LET THEM COME TO ME." Jesus blessed my son this night with something you nor I can explain. We say sometimes flippantly say that Jesus is the Author and Perfectocr of our FAITH.....he was and is and did that for my child. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS STORY.

We stayed home from Bible study to seek out a large large box to make a 12 foot rainbow for his room to remind him of heaven (his idea). While painting our rainbow, he spoke with great confidence about what the Holy Spirit had sealed in his heart. We already had a counseling appointment that day (divine), and so when we got there it was truly like he was telling Ms. Pam that he had gotten a trampoline for Christmas. "Ms. Pam, the Holy Spirit spoke to me last night and told me that I was going to see my daddy soon.' Healed completely....not til we are on gold streets, but that night God sealed for that child why his beloved daddy cannot come down from heaven. So much so that at lunch and bedtime, he no longer prayed that God would help him to understand why his daddy couldn't come down from heaven, a prayer which he has prayed for months and months. He said, 'Mom, I don't need to pray that anymore, I understand.' God seared a bleeding heart with HIS WORD...with the ONE He sent to be with us always...because it was better that way. Yes, yes it was.

This is my public dedication to what God did in the life and heart of a child. Here lies the restoration and the Ebenezer of help. Here lies a turning point for Davis. Here lies healing. Here.....three years almost to the day when Blair met Jesus face to face in a new perfect whole self. I am grateful...I am humbled....and my faith soars.

David himself said...'I can't understand all of this! Such wonderful knowledge is far above me!' The Holy Spirit is that indeed. My child tasted His glory and has told almost everyone he has seen since Tuesday...he's so excited and in fact asked me tonight ...'Do you think the Holy Spirit talks to other kids?' Yes, buddy I do but I am so glad he whispered to you! Geez....I stand amazed.

Blair. you would be proud of your little buddy. He makes me want for more of HIM in a way that only a child could. Thank you for our two precious gifts. ....til we meet you in the sky. All my love....R

Oh me...I've missed you!!

2011-03-08T22:13:00.001-08:00

Ok, ridiculous isn't it that I have not blogged in almost a year. My apologies...it's been a little crazy. No way to go back and reflect....that's a book. So....I'm starting fresh...are you ready!!! I'm kind of excited....inspired by sweet friends who are waaaay more into this than I am....and ready to catalog our life so my kids will have more than pictures....although they are worth a thousand words....when you take good ones...heehee.

It is really about today ....which just ended and why I'm up doing this I'm not sure....yes I am. God showed me something amazing that those of us with children will especially find hope in and I need to share it. It's too long for a tweet or FB status...and He might have this for you tomorrow.

Learning about surrender....heard a teaching this morning about it and it was profound. I wrote down a few things that I needed to do...thought of some more. Would you believe one of the very things I had thought of that I needed to put at rest...move on....say my apologies for being careless about happened this afternoon. It was beautiful and it was straight from Him. I needed to close this door so another one could open and it was just amazing as the grace and mercy flowed. Man....it's these things that I don't want to forget ....when I hear Him speak to me and ...there it is. I'm always surprised...shouldn't be but I am.

Ok....so now to kids. Davis is 5 and Campbell is 3. We have had some major shifts in who gets the brunt of most of the discipline. I'll let you guess...Davis has matured...Campbell...well, she's 3...enough said. It is beautiful to see but all the while I kind of feel like I'm in a deja vu and the child under my wing more often than not is blond and blue eyed....girl. Wow...my how things change. Anyway, Davis has struggled recently with ugly thoughts....not necessarily evil....just things he shouldn't dwell on. It's normal, I was prepared for it, have seen it before, have had counselors warn me, etc.....but when he is your own ...it is so difficult to help him. So...where to go, no where else but the Word. Here it is....'Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ'.....we are talking a lot these days about what a captive thought looks like and what to do with it. So...what 's next. Think about such things....Phil 4:8...whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Alpha Gams can I get an amen)....these things Davis...heaven, how much we love you, how blessed we are, your greatest memories. So that....Phil. 4:9 ...you can put this new way of thinking into practice and the God of PEACE will be with you. PEACE....love the Word, love the thought of dwelling here, love that my child knows and loves Jesus enough to recognize a thought not of Christ and verbalize...'Mom, I'm holding that one captive.' Thanks be to you O LORD for your perfect holy WORD ...that NEVER comes back void..never!!!

Ok..second thing. LYING...this is a big one but it's amazing how God has worked...today. We all know the devastation lying can bring to families. It's horrible ...which is why in Prov 12:22...it says.." The Lord detests (some transl. disgusted) lying lips, BUT HE delights in men who are truthful." Delights....please Lord do that in me. Please. Davis lied....ugh...my poor child. He is being made an example because I do not want to forget this day and what He brought me to and through on this day. Seems simple but I assure you it so huge. Nothing like putting some scripture to good use in a day to memorize it in a way that you will never forget it. He actually lied two days ago now....but then needed to revisit his 'fable' again this morning. Oh boy....to lie twice about the same thing....clearly the teaching did not sink in. It was strange honestly...he usually is repentant beyond belief and it's a moot point until the next time....lying is rare but happens... let's be honest. So, discipline again....but the scripture that I normally use was just not really sinking in ...'Keep your tongue from evil and lips speaking lies.' It was not reaching the heart like I had hoped...clearly. And...then I go to hear this same teaching on surrender and what do you know ...Prov 12:22. I was dumbfounded at HIS GOODNESS for my moment....my need...HE MET ME. HE always does. HE met Davis when we got to the car. I told him I had a new scripture I was excited about. 'Mom, what does it mean to delight?' Oh that's easy....it means you jump up and down when your child repents and understands that their thoughts that are not His thoughts and are to be help captive. THAT IS DELIGHT....(I didn't tell him that...it was much simpler and 5 year oldish)! He got it....today. Tomorrow...it's a new day...it's a new blog...for me....

I love you Lord....you are so worthy. Listening to Christy Nockels sing 'I will carry your Name...for all of my days.' I will....not ever going back....I can think of no greater honor.

Hard to Believe

2010-04-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sure anyone reading this post wants to know what's inside my head on this day. Obviously, there is too much to write for that post so here is where I'll share with you my thoughts two years later.

Amid the chaos of these past two weeks...high fevers, babies in the bed with me, a catheter (that's a whole other post), and rattley chests, I have really not had a chance to just take it all in. But, no time like the present because these days are fleeting and I'm going to forget.

You all know that music plays such a huge role in my relationship with the Lord and it's the best way I express to Him how much I love Him..even if I'm not singing it but just listening and praying it back to Him. I was listening to 'Healing is In Your Hands' this morning and my daily dose of 'In Christ Alone.' Wow, what powerful words but my thoughts still came back to my own choosing to allow Him to heal...to be vulnerable enough to let His power work in my life to give all the glory of survival and thriving back to Him. IT'S OUR CHOICE to let Him do this in our lives...all of us...regardless of situation.

Kelly and I were talking this week about pain and heartaches. There are two categories that characterize them all, the first being pruning for the believer and the second being discipline for the believer. More often for all of us...pruning is occuring. But, man the pruning hurts. I just think about real gardens...botanical gardens where people pay money to see the flowers..ie not my backyard. There are staffers with their sole job being clipping and pruning to make it beautiful, gorgeous, heavenly to the eyes. That's it for us...He's clipping you and me ..clipping the unneeded, the ugliness of our flesh...to reveal the glory of Him...so people look at us and say, 'WOW, isn't HE awesome and powerful to be able to create that out of a seed.' And...it hurts, but in the end the pain is worth the heaven to the eyes. Hopefully, people will see JESUS and that heaven in our own eyes is very real..a real place with no pruning and no pain and no tears.

So amid the chaos, we have really come to a place where life is..well, good(I know this is a such a trite t-shirty type statement but hey, it's true). The day to day activity and routine is great, the kids are really precious, and I have to say that I am beyond content with my situation. Now, it gets crazy but fortunately I call in the troops when that happens and say to myself...'this too shall pass' and it does. We talk about Blair literally every day and there is not an hour that goes by that we don't mention him or miss him. BUT, my mission is to point my children toward heaven and keep my own eyes fixed there myself regardless of what we are missing.

This is the forever long post but wow, things are a changin' around here. WE ARE MOVING!! Most of you know this but it never hurts to make the official announcement in two places. Last fall Davis played Smart Start soccert at the base. He scored a goal and ran past me with both thumbs up and yelled to the sidelines, 'Thumbs up, Mom.' It was precious but it broke my heart at the same time that my parents and David and Judy would rarely ever get to see him play being almost 2 and half hours away. It was at that moment that I started praying about moving. God confirmed many times over through an undeniable peace about the sitution and other random things (again, another post in and of itself). The Air Force will move us for three years after Blair's death. As of today, we are two years into it...and that left one to make some serious decisions about our future. SO, we are moving to Huntsville this August. We are building a house that was already started and we just get to pick out the fun stuff. Just so happens that Blair's best friend since grade school , Mark Chastain, lives 5 houses down with his precious wife, Larissa, and their three kids. To say that they love my kids, is an understatement. They are beyond excited and we are thrilled to get to move closer to home. And, I can't say I am not thrilled about being near a Target and Sam's woohoo! Bittersweet, oh me yes. But, the friends we have made over the years will be forever and distance is just a mileage number on the highway, right? My number of texts will just be much greater ..than it already is!:)

I'm posting some recent pics of the kids but the reason I even posted today was because of Davis's drawing at school yesterday. He loves to write in 'cursive' and then he interprets. He wrote and then told Ms. Lynn what to write yesterday and this is a picture....it could have been the entire post. It's beyond pitiful but yet, he gets it... this is not the end. He misses Blair terribly and it shows and I'm glad that he can express himself through 'cursive.' My little man is tough but his emotions are as real as ever, two years later. He has no idea that today it has been two years since Blair died. I nor anyone else has even mentioned it but yet, his heart, as all of our hearts are, was heavy. Only God knows but again, HIS timing is perfect. As good as our best day is, it still doesn't compare to heaven. So I hope you've had a blessed day. I'm painting...a great end to a day of remembrance! I love you and thank you for your messages today. I'm blessed and lifted up on eagle's wings by your prayers.

One is Silver, the Other Gold

2010-01-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

There was this overwhelming sense to write this post today. A decade has past and looking at my life over the last 10 years on the the first day of my next 10 years, I am honestly overwhelmed at the joy, the sorrow, the fun, the growth, the blessings, the pain, the ashes, the fire, the quenching, the kids, the help, and the prayers. I could go on and on down this entire entry.
I mean really, in the last 10 years I have buried Todd, married again, moved to New Orleans, had two amazing pregnancies resulting in two precious kids, weathered Katrina, moved again to Florence, then San Antonio, then Columbus, lost Blair, scattered his ashes in Italy, raised two kids (with LOTS of help) to know that HEAVEN IS REAL, and SURVIVED!! I am tired just reading that! Seriously, in 10 years who would have thought!! Not me, that's for sure.
I sit here on the brink of what has to be another decade of growth for sure, but hopefully a little less fire. BUT, if not, TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY.
The emotions are so eloquently summed up in Davis's tears last night as he gazed upon our last family picture on his dresser and cried, 'I just miss him so much and I want him to come out of heaven and play with me." Me too, buddy, me too. I was speechless and at that moment I felt so sorry for my sweet baby boy. I rarely have that feeling because I can't let myself go there. It's too painful. But last night was heart wrenching because as he gets older HE sees what he is missing. He sees other daddies and wants his. Ugh, life just hits you square on in moments like that. The reality is so vivid and clear and my comeback to all of that was simple. WE WILL SEE HIM AGAIN and it will be perfect. Hold, squeeze, kiss, rock, repeat. 'Daddy is so proud of you and the man that you are becoming.' All I could think was , 'Dear Lord, please come quickly so I do not have to tell him this for the next decade.' Can I get an AMEN?
So, if you are sobbing I am sorry. I keep remembering that verse this weekend that says it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of feasting. We have all done some serious feasting these past few weeks. Honestly, it's been downright ridiculous for most of us. I am still stuffed from Christmas day and my four meals. I mean come on!!! But, how aprepo for me to mourn this weekend and start the year off with a fresh perspective on the why in the world I have gone through this craziness over the last 10.
I'll tell you why, because you are reading this and reminding yourself as you are reading that this is about your own PERSONAL relationship with Jesus Christ. THAT IS ALL WE TAKE WITH US! You can't take your 401 K (or half of it post July of 09), you can't take your car (even though I heart my mini-van like nobody's business), you can't take your kids (even though somedays that might seem like a great idea, LOL), you can't take your degree or title, you can't take your lovie or your 'security blanket' (even though Davis asks me all the time if God will let him have his rabbit in heaven). NONE of it, just what you have done to make HIM famous and the relationship you have with HIM. Wow, that's something to think about in 2010. I want to be bolder, I want to know HIS WORD better, and I want to deeply invest in people more in 2010 --because this is it. One chance....blip on the screen of eternity.
Did I mention that I love NEW YEAR's DAY! Wow, nothing like a fresh start, huh? I am glad I was at a house of mourning this weekend. Weird, I know. Mourning is good, we should all do it more. May this find you contemplative this day. I love you all and sorry I have slacked so bad on posting....I'll do better in 2010.

ITALIA!!

2009-06-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

There are really no words to describe our adventure to Italy. It was an amazing time for all of us. To even go on this journey was such a feat because between the five of us there are 11 children to be cared for. So, you can imagine we all felt priviledged to be there and make no mistake we made the most of our time away but all the while so grateful (and indebted) to our families for the opportunity.

Most of you know that Blair requested while we were on his 40th birthday trip over a year ago to be cremated and scattered over Italy because he loved it there so much. It was a casual conversation with Mark and Larissa about death, funerals, etc. and during that discussion a week prior to his own death he made his wishes quite clear. So, in an effort to do what he asked we embarked on this journey with his ashes to make his request a reality. I have to admit that this trip, as excited as I was about taking it, was clearly bittersweet. This was it-the last and final piece to finish on earth to a life well lived. A finale of sorts and I wanted it to be memorable for the children and for those who journeyed with me. Oh the pressure...

I knew we would leave the ashes on the first day of our journey so in an effort to make the scattering 'official' I wrote these words on the plane over to Zurich. I cried tears-- of sorrow, of sadness, of relief to finally be doing this, of joy for Blair in heaven, as I wrote these words that I unashamedly share with you. The emotion almost overwhelms me now just thinking about sitting in that cramped seat on a plane for 8 hours reflecting on my life over the last year and our life together. What a cleansing it was...

'I write this as we are crossing the ocean to leave you here just as you asked. Of course, it is not you and we all know that. I wanted to do as you wished and honor your memory, your life, and our time together on earth. So that is what we are doing. You would want us to leave you here and never look back figuratively and literally. You lived your life with no regrets and I will have none when the sun sets on this day. We both lived and loved fearlessly and I am so grateful for the time we spent on earth with you. I know you hear the constant rush of angels wings and music that we cannot even begin to comprehend in our finite minds. What a day it will be when we meet you and Christ Jesus in the sky. My heart leaps at the thought of that reunion with you in your perfect, glorified, unblemished body.

I can't even express my gratitude for the two children that God blessed us with. Every glance into their precious eyes is a glance back into yours. I want Davis and Campbell above all else to know that Jesus Christ is the reason for everything we did together and for all that I do now. I know they will watch this video one day and maybe think it a little strange but more than anything else I want them to remember that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord for those who KNOW Him. I want them to watch as your ashes scatter to the wind and know that our God is bigger than death. I want them to revel in the fact that your death has brought great change in the hearts and minds of hundreds if not thousands and to never forget that all things work for the good of those that LOVE the Lord. We will forever have a hole in our lives and hearts but the reason we go on is because Christ Jesus has filled that hole that nothing else can fill. Davis and Campbell have a treasure trove of funny memories, of great accomplishment, and sheer greatness to hold onto the rest of their lives. Thank you Blair for giving them such a heritage from the Lord!

I know that I will remember this trip the rest of my days. There is nothing that you wanted more than for us to leave your ashes here and celebrate a life, our love, our precious friends and family, and our blessings. SO, WE WILL!! We will eat our way through Italy and we vow to remember that though sorrow may last for the night, unspeakable joy comes in the morning. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father who loved me enough to give me the priviledge of sharing my life with you. I am thankful to my precious friends, Beth and Rebecca and Karla, that have joined me in this journey of completion and I so am thankful to my sister (in law) and in Christ who holds my greatest link to Blair's hilarity and zest for life on this earth. I love you and I thank you!

'Lord, You have given us today as a gift. We take it gratefully and vow to never forget that death is temporary. Eternity is forever!!! Help us, remind us, and empower us with your Holy Spirit to help others understand the reality of eternity and the temporary state we live in. Remind us daily of heaven's glory! Give us glimpses and help us to believe and live like this day could be our last. Bless our family as we press on. Lord, give Davis and Campbell a supernatural understanding of their Heavenly Father that heals the absence of Blair in their hearts. Give them the ability to comprehend eternity at a very young age! Thank you for giving us life by the giving of your own! We love you, we praise you, and I give you all the glory! AMEN!!'

In the pouring down rain, ponchos on, 'having a moment', on a moutaintop 500 feet above 'the' Roman Road we then scattered Blair's ashes after I read this. Final does not even describe it...but reliving it only reminds me that it is so not final and oh I am so glad.

We continued the journey to Lecco, Bologna, Modena, Florence, Verona, Vicenza, Venice, Marostica, Como and then back to Zurich, Switzerland. What a trip! God be praised for safe travels and honestly the most belly-laughing time I have ever had in my life. What a trip!!

Dreams

2009-05-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well, once again I am so far behind on this whole blogging thing for all of you who follow. I'll do better, but who am I kidding, I have two children. Most of you who read this know that a year has now come and gone since Blair left this earth for his new home in heaven. Today, May 1, Davis decided he would take a 'bath' aka 'Can I play in the tub uninterrupted by my sister?' this morning. While in the tub pretending he was in the movie Nemo with his plastic bag full of fish, he looked over at me and said, "Mommy, Daddy came in the door last night and gave me a hug and told me he loved me and then said he had to go back to heaven.' 'Really,' I said, of course not believing my ears. 'Did you dream that Davis?,' I asked in a very puzzled thought process. 'I guess,' he answered. Regardless, that precious baby ensued to discuss where Daddy was and why we couldn't go back to heaven with him. Oh my word, I was trying desperately in my head to come up with just the perfect words for him. So, I went on to say a few things about our own 'not nice things that we do and say to others' and how we could be with Jesus and that he died for us because he loved us and that is how we get to go to heaven. I honestly don't know what all I said because I was still numb that he had a dream about Blair, a year later. Then that precious child said, 'But Mommy, Jesus said let the little children come to Me for such is the kingdom of heaven, so he wants us to come to Him in heaven.' ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Did you just say that, at THREE??? Yes, he did and just as boldly and as confindently as I type this that baby knew that Jesus wanted him there, child or adult. That my friends is the power of SCRIPTURE!!! Thank you Lord for the sword of the spirit that is sharper than any two-edged sword and can penetrate the heart of a 3 year old to remind him that he is important and Jesus wants and loves him so much.

I couldn't help but share something that I will never forget with you. Do not be fooled at what they are picking up on, good or bad. Davis has an indeliable mark on his brain of what his Daddy means to him, regardless if he will never touch or feel his hug again. And, those scriptures about heaven that we sing over and over will stay with him till he gets there himself. Thank you Jesus for the gift of song and the combination of scripture. How blessed are we to have it available to us?

April has been bittersweet for all of us no doubt. We celebrated Easter together as a family and of course I couldn't help but think the whole day how grateful I was for power of Christ in my life but also I was overwhelmed with memories of our 'last holiday' that we celebrated. They dedicated the auditorium in the 50th squadron building in memory of Blair and after the dedication the squadron perceded to burn a piano, in WWII fighter tradition, in memory of Blair. They toasted him while the pianist played a burning piano. It was such a special day and we capped it off with a huge party, in true Blair form, at our house in honor of all of the precious people who have helped us over this past year. It was a perfect evening of awesome food, great friends, great music, thanks to Blair's cousin, http://www.russromine.com/, shameless plug but he is so awesome, and just the most precious bunch of people you have ever met. I'm so blessed and I can't even begin to tell you what it meant to see all of those sweet faces there to celebrate a life of meaning and a life that has caused great change in many lives.

Miss you all and thanks so much for all your prayers, comments and selfless sacrifices.

All my love,

Rachel

A Lesson Learned

2009-02-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so yes it has been since December the 7th since I posted on here and since I am hearing you --you know who you are---here goes. The life and times of the Faulkners starts again with this post but it is really one that is needed and so exciting and good and prudent. But, before I get serious on you let's talk about what has happened since December the 7th to be exact. Christmas was so busy and fun and bittersweet but it was about the kids and that is the way we kept it. If you could have seen Paige and I in the floor putting together Davis's drumset there is no way you could have cried for us because you would have been laughing so hard, and then you would have cried, from laughing, because we were. I am not kidding, we put that crazy thing together and took it apart three times trying to get the crazy base drum right. It was pitiful. We have 9 years of college between the two of us and it didn't matter. What in the world?? It takes a village--that's all I'm sayin. Anyway, Davis was so unbelievably into the whole thing and convinced himself before bed that he heard the reindeer on the roof of Nannan and Pop's. It was precious and in spite of it all we all really enjoyed ourselves and yes I missed Blair beyond belief but I knew that He got to spend his first Christmas ever at HIS feet asking what day He was really born on. How amazing to get the whole recount from the ONE, while we tried to make it about Christ here on earth. The wonder of it all....

We took a little trip to Biloxi for a family reunion of sorts and had a fabulous time at Aunt Barbie's. It was so nice to see the cousins and Davis and Campbell were in their element with Rock Band for Davis and Campbell and the girl cousins vying for time with the 'baby'. Sweet!

January was a month spent in Columbus which was really rare for us. A whole month in one location with no nights in a pack n' play or alternative crib for Campbell. Thanks goodness since Campbell had pneumonia and a trip to the ER for a double ear infection. Not our finest month in recent history, but all is well now and to end the month Beth and Rebecca came to shop it up in Columbus, that's not a joke. You haven't lived till you get a babysitter for 6 kids under 4 and rummage Dirt Cheap and Fashion Apparell for the best deals in three states. You should come! Seriously! We loved being together and watching our kids develop life-long friendships like our own. It's really a blessing and one that I do not take for granted!

And then, in February we saw our beloved IIMAGINATION MOVERS!! Davis was out of his mind and decked out in his blue suit donning his wobble goggles and scribble sticks. We, and yes I am including myself here, were crazy people at the concert in Birmingham. It was so good to see them perform live and to MEET them. Yes, I'm serious. We were able to meet them --up close and personal with Mover Rich and the gang. I'm not sure who was a bigger idiot at the concert-me, definitely the girl in the red Mover t-shirt screaming when Mover Rich passed trying to get him to reach out and touch my baby boy. Yes, I know, I'm a freak! But, when our 'meet n greet' was over Davis just had to go back and tell Mover Rich that he could come to his house on Sunday. So cute---he was so serious!

And then, New York City, and yes, in my head I am saying that like the Pace Picante commercial. Oh, it's late.:)) Sorry! Judy, Glenda (Todd's mom), Jeanne and Paige(sisters -in -law), Hannah, Abby, and Haley (nieces) and I traveled for the ultimate girl weekend and lived it up right. We saw Mary Poppins, had a tea /birthday party at the American Girl Doll store, and took the grand tour of Manhattan in three days and had a fabulous time. China Town was a hit, minus our crazy purse purchasing experience, and of course the sistas enjoyed our night on the town at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill, thanks Gran and Nannan. It was a sweet sweet time to be with those that I treasure most and will for eternity. I'm blessed, that's all I'm saying and you all know why.

So, there you have it and maybe that's why it's been so long since I posted. BUSY!! All that being said, I have learned so much that there is no way to share with you all over this one post. But, keep reading and know that God is up to something and no kidding I'm listening. I was asked to speak at a women's Bible study in Muscle Shoals. They were studying Proverbs and I started studying myself just to 'get a Word' to share with them. I landed and never got off of Proverbs 1:7--'the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fool despises wisdom and instruction.' Really, fear. Is that it?? Is that what I'm not doing? And, in my head the answer was 'YES, Rachel that's what I need.' Holy, reverent, fear. Ok, that's good. I can work with that and putting it into practice means 'I stand up a little straighter before you Lord, and I don't miss appointments with You, and I treat You like I would a meeting with Beth Moore---but you are so much more than that and I wouldn't miss a meeting with her one-on-one if my very life depended on it'!! Don't you see-I don't fear Him enough. And then, in true God form, He has reaffirmed it this week again and again and thus why I felt so compelled to share with you all.

Friday night I was sharing this whole fear of the Lord thing with a fellow believer and he said, 'Me too'! That is so strange that you would say that.' Is it strange--no it's not! And then, on Sunday, in my small group we are studying Andy Stanley's The Best Question Ever and would you believe the last video was about Fear of the Lord!! Are you kidding me?? Ok, you got me!! I get it, you win, always:). AND THEN, I'm not joking---this is nuts-tonight as I was prepping for my Esther study I was looking up the Bible verse that we are memorizing along with Living Proof Ministries (Beth Moore) blog and do you know what it was, um, yeah that's right Malachi 3:16 which says, (please don't fall off your chair like I almost did) 'Then those that FEARED the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD gave attention and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before HIM for those who fear the Lord and esteem His name.'

Ok, do you see why my fingers are on fire typing this!!! Obviously, I am pretty overwhelmed by God's words and seeing it over and over is confirmation that HE is crying out for us to have that holy reverant precious fear!!! I want it, I need it, I crave it! Help me Lord to be in that book of remembrance and esteem your Name! Write me all over it, please! So, I'm desperate for the wisdom that college, and IQ, and ACT scores, money, and age cannot give me. Only through fear will I have that knowledge that breeds wisdom and LOVES discipline and instruction. I want it! Bring it!

Sorry for the explosion of thought but I'm seriously overwhelmed at His hand at work. He can do such BIG things if we just let Him! Miss you all!!

In His Fear, Rachel

Polar Expressed

2008-12-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

Davis, Campbell, Judy, David and I went to ride the Polar Express with some precious friends of mine from Birmingham this past Saturday!! We had such an awesome ride at -2 mph on the train, yes that's negative 2 because the thing crawled down the tracks. I think Santa's elves were pushing it! So funny! Santa and Mrs. Clause came down through the cars giving out little gifts and Davis was out of his mind excited to talk to him. He told him he wanted a really big piece of candy and a trumpet. So, there you have it-easy enough if I do say so myself. We had a great time even though Campbell was not releasing her death grip on me to go to Santa or the Mrs. Just like a 1 year old. We loved it and sadly made it home just in time to watch Alabama lose, oh well!

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

2008-12-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

I know, I know! You want Disney pictures!! Sorry, it has taken me forever to do this and I don't want to keep you waiting any longer!! First of all, we had the best time ever BUT, Disney is not a Ritz Carlton spa day, to say the least!! Oh my word, were we ever tired!! It was a crazy fun week of Mickey and friends and we certainly maximized our time and meal plan cards!! We loved the meal plan so sign up if you are going anytime soon! Drew and Haley had a great time riding 'It's a Small World' for the twelfth time, just kidding, but I will say that by far that was Davis and Campbell's favorite. Peter Pan was a hit and of course the fifty variations of Dumbo were huge with the little ones. Now, the adults hands down loved Soarin' at Epcot. It was a stark reminder that everywhere you go we take Blair with us and nothing like a 'flying' ride to remind us of all that he was able to do as his reality. There was not one thing in that ride that he had not flown over and swooped down on in some form of airframe that he flew over the years. What a life!! He would have loved it and we all could not miss him terribly at various moments throughout the week. Davis dancing with Jo-Jo and the Little Einsteins, Campbell jumping out of her seat to see Tigger, Davis at the coconut race at O'hana, Davis talking to Crush and telling him proudly that he was three, and of course the drummers at Epcot giving Davis their drum sticks because he was so into what they were doing---they were all priceless memories that I so wish Blair could have seen and he did in some way. In spite of the nagging thought that he was missing one of the most joyous experiences for toddlers, I was reminded again that no matter how great Disney is heaven is still better. The rides are better, the food is better, the people are perfect, and we are again all together. So, as I look at these pictures and dream of Blair being in them I still long for the day I will see him again. Because, make no mistake I will and it will be soon! So, we press on. I sincerely hope that you had a great Thanksgiving remembering all that we have to be thankful for. In spite of it all, we are still crazy blessed!

She stood!!

2008-11-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I know this is really just for our immediate family but we were so proud of our little unassisted stander!! Oh my word, you would think she was our first child!!:) We were sitting in the floor and I looked up and there she was clapping for herself!! Love that baby!

Pictures!!

2008-10-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

Birthdays!!!

2008-10-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

Oh my, October has been CRAZY! We have celebrated and had more cake than the law should allow. It was so much fun to watch the kids with their friends at school and at their parties. We had a great visit at home and I was able to speak for Community Bible Study. This has been a month filled with bittersweetness on more than one level. But beyond the hole that we felt without Blair there to watch Davis drive his new battery operated red Mustang, to watch Campbell blow out her one candle and not burn herself :) and to watch her stand up alone, to go trick or treating as Captain Hook with us as Wendy, Tink, and Peter Pan, we still have joy and we know that our new normal is reality. We have had so much fun and as much as we hurt I still know that our hurt is his gain! Oooo, I could write a book but I'll spare you the details. Here are just a few of the 300 pictures (and that is no joke but I wasn't taking all those:) I have taken this month! Miss you and love you all!

September-Where did it go??

2008-09-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Every month that goes by I am just amazed and what all has happened and where the time has truly gone. I know, I know the older you get the faster it goes. And, since I turned 32 this past Friday I feel like no truer words have been spoken!

This month has been so busy with MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) getting started back, my Family Time Kindermusik class, Gustav evacuees, one Bible study ending and another one starting, a trip to Birmingham and did I mention 2 children, one of whom is going to take her first steps any day!! Oh my how crazy! But, all that being said it has been a great 'birthday' month all in all and we continue to thank God everyday for what we have and not what we lack.

Personally, one of the most interesting things that has taken place this month has been the Daniel Bible study ending and us starting 'The 66 club'. This refers to the books of the Bible of which I am desperately interested in putting it all together for once. I have been in 'church' before I was born but haven't really 'studied' cover to cover or have I studied the basics of Bible knowledge. Yes, Noah, Moses, woman at the well and all the stories and parables are of course extremely familiar but the history and chronology have been a mystery to me and I really wanted that to change. How many Beth Moore studies over the years have I done without getting the big picture?? Not anymore!! God says his Word will never come back void and HE is crying out to us to learn it, know it, hide it, teach it and do it every day!! So, thus the 66 club began out of a song that I learned at VBS in 6th grade with the 66 books of the Bible as the subject. So, on Tuesday nights about 20 women show up to learn and admit that we always can't find Hebrews or Zephaniah, and that we didn't know that the Old Testament is not chronological, and that only 11 of the 39 books in the Old Testament tell the 'story'. But, in one accord we admit our desire and it has been awesome. Again, what have I been doing for the last 32 years when it comes to all the basics--who knows?? But, I know I am passionate about taking others on this pursuit and falling in love with the Word like never before!! How can you love something you don't spend time with? Answer-you can't, so this is my futile attempt to learn and love. If you read this and want the same thing and think to yourself, 'that is so me', then log on to http://www.christiancourses.com/ and do it with us. We are doing the Bible Basics track and it has been fabulous. I just know that God gets so excited when we get excited about His precious Word. Oooo, gotta love it!! Join in--I promise you will not be disappointed and you will be amazed at what you don't know!! Good stuff!!

The kids are doing great and Campbell is learning something new everyday. We are clapping on command, dancing to the Wiggles (which I can't believe I got sucked in to that one and just goes to show that we were born to dance), signing 'more,' 'all done', and 'fish' and she is just about the sweetest little thing ever. She loves school and you have never seen a baby light up like she does when her prince Davis walks in the room. She adores him more than she can even express and it is precious. Davis has turned a corner and now that she is more animated and 'gives back' he is definitely more into his role as big brother. They are the most precious gift a mother could ask for and every night I put them to bed and get the priviledge of waking up to their precious faces is just one more chance to say thanks be to God for all that HE has and will do through them!!

Birthdays come and go but I have to say that my sweet friends and family made this one very special and I will forever be grateful for all that they did. I think for me Blair's birthday will always be harder than mine could ever be without him but all those who 'stood' in the gap made every effort to make it special this year. I spent a precious night at Restaurant Tyler in Starkville with Columbus friends and then headed to Birmingham for a weekend with Beth and Rebecca, oh yeah and did I mention our 6 kids under 4. That alone is funny! We had a Florence/New Orleans reunion on Friday night with old friends and their sweet kids and it was so fun to see everyone. What a treat! Then Saturday we headed to the new Robert Trent Jones resort, Ross Bridge, for the royal spa treatment and loved all of it! Dinner at Surin West topped off our perfect night and weekend!! What a blessing I have in my sweet friends! I truly thank my God every time I remember them and all they have done for me!!

So, maybe October will be a little slower. Yeah, no, because both of the children were born this month and it will be filled with fall fun, birthdays, and some great costumes. Stay tuned for Tinkerbell, Peter Pan, and Wendy photos to come! How cute is that?? Loving me some dress up! I know, I'm such a girl!!:))

Pictures!!

2008-08-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note so you can see our latest photo shoot. This was probably the most crazy photo session ever but girlfriend, Heather Mitchell, was an absolute magician with these shots. Hope you enjoy!! They will only be up for a week! www.heathermitchellphotography.com and the password is falkner22 (not a typo). Enjoy!

Milestones

2008-08-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

I sat by Carrie Emmons tonight as they honored Blair and Matthew at Matthew's 'former' class's assignment night. They had a moment of silence for them, introduced us, and rang the bell in honor of their fallen commrades and our husbands. As I sat there, my heart broke for Carrie. She held her 3 week old baby, Laban Matthew, in her arms and just wept. It was rivoting and pitiful and made me sick to think of all that they missed out on as a couple and as an Air Force pilot. Matthew will never know the success of seeing a fighter pop onto that screen tonight, he'll never know the joy and terror of flying a fighter into battle, he will never know the joy of dropping bombs and firing the pickle button to shack, he will never know the pride of a squadron at Hawgsmoke, he will never know the sheer joy of holding his baby boy, he will never see another wedding anniversary. Yes, his joy is much greater now but Blair knew all of these things and so much more. He lived the ultimate dream for a pilot, father, and husband on this earth. I sat there beside her thanking my God for what I did know and what Blair so valiantly experienced everyday. How unmatched are your blessings upon me!! Thank you sweet Jesus for what I had and have today in this moment.

So amongst the craziness of school starting back, we are finally in the groove of a new year and that is honestly refreshing. Davis and Campbell both began at Fairview Baptist Church's Mom's Day Out this past week. Campbell is now a crawler almost walker and is into everything. She loves Davis so much and just needs to be where he is. She said some of her first real words in the last two weeks. 'Mama' and 'Bye-Bye' were the first two and if she is anything like me the others won't be far behind. She is changing everyday and has so much going on in her head, not to mention the teeth that keep popping out and interrupting her sweet sleep.

Davis and I just returned from the beach and had a great time with friends. It was a treat to be with just him and spend time playing in the sand and surf. He loves the beach and everything about it. We ate hibachi one night and he thought Ratatouille was under the chef's hat. Japan and France -you know they are so similar to a 2 year old. So funny! He had his first scooter ride this week as well and did quite well. He's a little slow but we love our new 'neighborhood' hand me down. We call ourselves the 'Palmer Home (our local orphanage that has a thrift store) of Hunnigton' because all of the neighbors pass on their outgrown awesome toys to us. What a treat for Davis and for me!!

Pray for Carrie this week. She is in Columbus for 2 weeks and will attend the class graduation. She is struggling because she loved the Air Force life and everything about it. She misses this love and bond that we share here and she is so far removed fromit because she is in Pennsylvania. God give her strength to be the best mom sweet Laban could ask for. Give her a hope and a future that she cannot even imagine. He did for me, He'll do it again, and He will for her!!

No Greater Love

2008-08-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

First, thank you so much for your prayers on Sunday and frankly everyday. I am blessed to know that you are truly lifting our family to the Father every day! We met with the Accident Investigation Board and because I can't possibly reach you all with the news I just wanted you know that I will do my best to inform you this way--clearly and accurately.

They began by saying that definitively and 100% positively that Matthew and Blair died immediately and did not suffer in any way. A relief for us all.... The sequence of events began upon takeoff and 3.6 seconds later it was over and they had met their Maker. So, you can imagine that time frame as an eternity in some ways but honestly just a blink in others.

The wings on airplanes have flaps that raise up and down and they are called ailerons. Basically, the right aileron failed causing the plane to roll to the left and making it impossible for Blair to recover into a normal takeoff sequence. He initially corrected but in this critical phase of flight it could not be saved. The plane struck the ground upside down and slid off the runway where it burst into flames. According to our brief, all the flight controls indicated that Blair told Matthew to eject and upon the ejection initiation the plane was rolling too fast and Matthew's trajectory was amiss. Blair stayed with the plane trying to recover with a hard right stick and rudder but to no avail. You and I both know he was trying to save it with all he had after Matthew ejected. Blair impacted the ground and died instantly without the ability to eject properly upside down. The plane tilted in the skid off the runway and Blair basically was thrown from the plane at that moment of the tilt due to the seat seperation sequence for the ejection seat.

This is the basis of 500 page report we received. The report is thorough beyond your wildest imagination, has testimonies from everyone who had any chance of seeing it happen or did see it happen, and is a comforting but yet a piercing document of epic proportions for our family that was given to us today. We are grateful for the detail because it is such a blessing to read the testimonies of the first people on the scene, the men and women that flew with Blair, and to see the 'big picture' of it all.

So, what do I think? I'm beyond proud of Blair's heroism. He died knowing that he did everything he could to lay down his life for his brother. I know Blair, he was the 'daddy' in charge of that jet and that 'son' was gettin' out if it was the last thing he did. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.' John 15:14. He did it---no doubt in my mind. I am so unbelievably grateful that I can tell my children that their daddy died a hero. He is the epitome of the word. I am blessed that they have that kind of heritage to remember and reflect on when the going seems so tough. Thank you Jesus for giving me this story of exteme intrepidation. He is my 'Braveheart' and the greatest earthly super hero my children could ever ask for. WHAT A GIFT!

Honestly, today has been brutally painful and truly nauseating in some regards. The reenactment of it all has given us some missing links into our own closure. I truly feel like all day I was reminded that Christ is in control and no matter what this report says-the end is still the same and HE is still on the throne. Intense focus on that one thing is all I can do from here on out. It is a requirement for my own survival and that is just honestly the way I HAVE to view this whole process. We are blessed to have the detailed information, the promise of the Air Force to prevent this again, and the love of a country for Blair's selfless service to keep us all safe.

And by the way, Campbell's crawling. WHAT?? She is loving her new freedom and I am astonished at the difference in Campbell and Davis on the whole 'movement' thing. No comparisons! Here's a video and notice Davis's crawling 'debut' --so typical.:)

5 years ago today....

2008-07-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

I just felt like I couldn't let today, our anniversary, go by without writing something about 5 years of a blissful marriage. What could I possibly say to make this day more palatable? There is nothing but sweetness to remember. So, that is what I choose--the greatness of it all. I thought that most of you reading this have probably never seen this picture---but it was so us! Me laughing and Blair being the funniest person you could imagine. He had that knack like none other and I miss it terribly. But, make no mistake his little man has that knack and he graciously has stepped in to make his mommy laugh hysterically at the things he says and does. So, till I get to heaven to hear that quick wit again I will just let Davis fill in.

I am singing at a wedding next weekend and I as was practicing today I couldn't help but be completely overcome with emotion about our marriage and my relationship with Christ at this very hour. The song 'How Beautiful' is so gorgeous and the words are truly perfection. As I sang, 'How beautiful the radiant bride who waits for her groom with his light in her eyes. How beautiful when humble hearts give the fruit of pure lives so that others may live,' ---all I could think was, "Could this really be the words that so poignantly express my deepest emotion of Blair's death and life?" As I reflect on our wedding photos, this picture, the ceremony, our 5 years of highs and lows, I can't help but think that the fruit of Blair's life culminated so that others could truly live! But, those others can't 'live' if we won't do what the last verse of that song says-'How beautiful the feet (mine and yours) that bring the sound of good news and the LOVE of the King." Tell someone you love that Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE! He is it! Nothing else--just Him!

Marriage is such an awesome gift that I was blessed to experience. From the moment we discussed getting married, I knew that God had ordained us to be together. I am thankful and grateful that I could experience so much with a man that loved me selflessly. Thank you, dear Jesus, that you allowed me this gift for 5 years. I am blessed by the fruit of Blair's life and lives that we created together.

Boats, Big Boy Underwear, and the Beach!

2008-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Obviously based on my lack of posts, this has been a very busy month! We have been on the go with a capital G! It's been crazy good and we are almost done with our travels. The last weekend in June we went to Paige's for the Deeper Still conference in Atlanta with Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, and Kay Arthur. It was AWESOME and honestly I was just so grateful to be there. It was an intense weekend of study but what got me the most was the worship. All I could think about the whole time we were there was, 'This is so what heaven will be like and then some.' I looked at Paige, Blair's sister, on Friday night as it began that first night and said, 'He gets this and better all the time.' It was beautiful and honestly made me long to be there even more than I already do.

Priscilla Shirer spoke the first night about the children of Israel in the wilderness before they arrived at Mt. Sinai where they were to see God. They camped there in the wilderness and prepared to see the face of God. All I could think the whole night was -'this is so my life.' I have pitched a tent in the wilderness and by golly I will see the face of God and relish every moment of it. Priscilla challenged us to dwell in it; rest in it; trust in Him; humble yourself and learn more than you ever could in another place. It was God's choice to lead the children of Israel through the wilderness. There was an easier way, but He took them on a different path to allow them to see His provision. Mount Sinai was the furthest possible place away from external blessing. It was at this place that they received the biggest internal blessing. Enough said, this is so my life!

So, we now have reached a milestone in a toddler's life! We are officially potty-trained. There was no waiting or delaying. It was going to happen and Davis was the conductor on this train. While in Atlanta, he said 'Mommy, I want to poo-poo in the poddy' and well, the rest is history. He did it on his own and we clapped. No kidding, this was not my choice and honestly for those of you who have done it -you know it's just different when you can't just slap a diaper on. Well, not anymore. So, to celebrate we had a Poo-Poo Party for Davis and it involved cake and pizza. Davis thought it was the greatest thing ever. He got a treasure box filled with trinkets of encouragement and an ice-cream cake that was pitiful looking but it fit the bill. He LOVED it! You know I'm all about a party and especially one for this praiseworthy accomplishment. I'm sure you're thinking this is the craziest thing ever--but at this point my motto is 'whatever works.' He's doing great and with the exception of a few accidents we are a big boy underwear wearing two year old.

We spent the 4th in Florence and had a great time with the Fousts. It was a great day and Campbell had her first taste of ribs, a Faulkner/Foust tradition of eating ribs and tenderloin. Davis was well attended by Hannah and Abby and they had so much fun romping all over. We went out of the boat with the Wilson's over the weekend and Davis and Campbell both loved the boat so much. Campbell was not real excited about her 'flotation' device but she did manage to nap in it. Davis was too busy on the front of the boat and did not bat an eye. He was not going to miss one thing and didn't.

And finally, the beach. My high school friends decided it was time for us to get together after all these years and do something besides just spend an hour together at Christmas. So, we planned a weekend getaway to Ono Island and had a great time. We decided to name ourselves to give ourselves a real identity as a group. So, Just Us Girls, the JUGs. I know, cheesy, but of the other choices -trust me, this one was best. After staying up way to late watching hilarious leadout videos and looking at more picture albums than we would admit we decided that it was high time that we did this and we won't miss another chance to do it again. Thanks to my JUG girls for making our weekend perfect!

After the JUG girls left to go home, David and Judy trekked down with the kids to the house where we were staying. They were such champs to drive my kids that far without their mother. But, they had the trusty 6 changer DVD (How do you live without it?) and a bag of Cheerios for Campbell and therefore life was pretty good. We had the best time ever and Davis has loved the sand and surf. Campbell-well, let's just say it was a photo op for me and that's about it. Speaking of photo ops, our beach photos are quite hilarious. I will spare you the details but let's just say that a 2 year old and an 8 month old were not meant for camera timers or the dusk hour. CAN SOMEONE SAY NIGHTMARE and can I get a witness? The week was perfect (other than the heinous beach photos):)) and the house on Ono Island was the icing on the cake!

CIRCUS ACT

2008-06-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

What a week! We have been busy and it has been great. After taking Campbell to the doctor for her fever and snotty nose, which was teeth (of course it wasn't her ears), we have been making the most of summer with our new 'water park' as Davis would say. As those of you who read this with two children under 3 know, it's hard going anywhere much less to the pool with all the get up we take. So, Little Tikes hooked us up with a little H2O fun and it all happens in the back yard. Yeah--I love it and let's just say the investment was SO worth it. Talk about endless hours of fun and the neighbors have all gotten in on the action in the Faulkner backyard. We blew that thing up and it was like ants on watermelon. They came one and came all (we have 14 boys under 12 on our street) to see what it was! Of course, Davis graciously invited them into his 'water park' and has invited every other child he has encountered in the last week. So cute!

Aunt Barbie and MiMi came for a visit and we topped it off with Poppy coming to take us to the circus. What a TREAT! We loved it and had the best time! Oh, to be 2 again! It was magical and all I could think was 'If you think this is great just wait till Disney!' We did the whole pre-show thing and Davis ran out there to assist the dog trainer with her trick. It was hilarious! He was mesmerized and loved every second. We had front row ring seats and literally we could see the hair on the elephant! Let's just say we were close. So, the elephants came out and one perched on one of those round drum things and sat down not 6 feet from us. Davis crawled up me like I was a ladder he was so scared of that thing. He warmed up as they made their exit. Of course, he had his first taste of cotton candy and has asked for more ever since. He is his momma's child. The end of the show proved quite interesting when they picked Poppy to assist with a trick and took him into the ring. It was just a 'joke' but Davis thought it was real and started yelling, "Don't take my Poppy." At least we know he's leary of strangers. It was so sweet and really a perfect day!

This week has been much better and as we all know life is passing us by. I had wanted to do Beth Moore's Daniel study for a long time and just haven't had the chance. So, no time like the present, right? I asked several friends to join in and we ended up with 20 women on Tuesday nights at 8 pm studying about Daniel in our pajamas after my kids go to bed. How awesome is our God!! He knows we are all busy with little ones but yet knows our hearts and knows we desire SO MUCH MORE than MUNDANE!! I wanted to share with you what Beth (sounds like she's my friend and I so wish she was) said in one of the lessons from this week. She said this to her daughter and quoted it in the lesson. "I told her that one of the most powerful mood changers God had ever taught me was to open up my mouth and say, " I choose joy, I may not feel it, but God has appropriated it and I choose it." Enough said, I choose it!!

P.S. Campbell's six month pictures are on www.jenphotography.com. Go to 'Proofs' and the code is 'campbellf'. So sweet!

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

So, where to begin this Father's Day weekend. I would say that this has truly been one of our hardest weeks yet. I guess just the overwhelming emotion of watching your child hurt (even if for a fleeting moment) has sent me to a place of rawness that I honestly have never felt before. But, I was prepared because I knew that the two month mark was coming and it would be the beginning of the hardest, most challenging times for me as a mother, widow, and disciple. I thank God that his mercies are truly new EVERY morning and that my babies go to sleep knowing that their daddy loved them more than his own life itself and their heavenly Father loves them even more than all of the whole world's love for them combined. Amazing, but true. Thank you Jesus!

I would say to my dad.....Thank you for loving your unworthy daughter with a selfless love like none other. How many times you have worked yourself to exhaustion to put up my Christmas tree umpteen times, clean my gutters, pressure wash my driveway, clean my garage, cut my grass, and play with and babysit my kids while I traveled the world with Blair? You are a jewel and God has blessed me with a dad who loves me enough to do all those things but more than that to truly die to himself to do it. What a gift you are! I love you today more than ever!

To David....Thank you for being Pop. My heart leaps knowing that you have that email that Blair sent you before Christmas. I am so glad because honestly he probably wouldn't have written that in a Father's Day card and God knew that. So, on this day --read it, soak it in, and know that your son would be so proud of you and the way you have handled this separation. We will see him again and it will be perfect. Thank you for being Davis's bingo charlie man and for Campbell's twinkle when she sees you. Those babies love you so much and that will never change. Thank you for being so quick to send me flowers or bonsai trees:)). I love it --don't ever stop! I will always be your FD-I-L and he your FS!

To Blair... yes, I know he won't read this but this is what I would say and I'll share it with you.....

What a special day this would have been for you. Two kids to call you daddy and one of which you have never even heard speak the word. But, just like you said the night before you died, 'Look at her, we haven't even heard her talk and we love her so much,' and the feeling was mutual and still is. You have made me so proud and our children could not ask for a better father except Christ, of course. You were in a place of pure bliss about our life and for that I am eternally grateful. Being a father to you was always about what I could do to help my children love Christ more and the fun of it all. When you would say, 'I just want Davis to wake up and see me in the Word,' my heart rejoiced. What a gift for my husband to want that for his children. You wanted nothing more than for them to come to know Christ at the earliest possible age and we prayed that every night for them. You will view that one day from a place like none other and I know there will be sweet rejoicing in heaven when that day comes. I am forever grateful for the relationship that you had with Davis. Short as it was, it was idyllic and truly sweet. The big boy couch will never be the same but we still continue your question of 'Whose boy are you?' every night and he always says, even now, Mommy's boy and Daddy's boy. Thank you for making such a lasting and permanent impression on your son. Somehow, I believe that he will always truly remember you because how could he forget a daddy so larger than life. I am blessed to have witnessed your time with him. There was not a happier moment in my day than watching you with him after working all day. You were into it and he knew it! What a gift! You taught him to hit a baseball off the tee, to dribble a basketball, to use both hands with a golf club, to keep his eye on the ball always, and he was 2. Don't worry, your precious friends, Pop, and Poppy and yes, your 'I don't like to get dirty' wife will step in and teach him my limited knowledge of sports (yes, this is a funny, funny, statement:)). It won't ever be the same but just know you laid a solid foundation beyond his wildest dreams for that litte Eddie Haskell. Finally, I would tell you that Monday he woke up and immediately asked for you. After he agreed that you were in heaven, he stopped and said, 'No, he's in the dining room.' I said, ' Where?' He pointed to our family portrait and said mommy, 'There he is.' Then unprompted said, "I love you, daddy,' just as if you had been standing there. We love you and wish you a Happy Father's Day in heaven. I know you are smiling down on us and have no understanding of our pain and I am grateful. Your legacy is eternal and we will only glimpse God's plan on earth. You are a treasure and I love you. Till we meet again..... Rachel

Sorry, no doubt you are crying now. I just needed to get that out. I hope your day is joyous with your Father whether in heaven or earth. Enjoy it--leave no word left unsaid. Today is the day to make amends, to reconcile, to rekindle, to cherish, and to be thankful for the men in our lives. Be men of God, seek Him FIRST, be the spiritual leader of your house and see how much better your house 'runs'. Sorry, just had to get that in there. Much love...

My First Real Blog Experience

2008-06-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we had the digital scrapbook thing but I just love this whole blog thing. It's so great and you can get such a great glimpse of what family life is like for everyone. I love it! It's also such a great way to keep in touch. So, here you go.

This will be my own personal walk through grief and hope along with glimpses of our precious children. I hope you enjoy! I will enjoy putting it together I'm sure!

Everyone asks about the children so I will give you a brief overview with some photos of course into their little world.

Campbell, well, let's just say give her a bottle, some food, a nap and we're set! She is precious and is about the smiliest kid you will ever meet. We had her six month pictures made this past week and in 25 minutes we had three outfit changes and were out the door. Nothing short of miraculous for all of you who have done this before!

Davis is doing great but he misses Blair terribly(as we all do) and when he is missing him inevitably asks, 'Mommy, where's daddy?' It's so obvious that he cannot even begin to comprehend and maybe because the rest of us can't either?? Today, we went to the base pool after Kindermusik and he said 'Mommy, there's daddy in that airplane -let's go get him." So innocent and then after we talked about heaven he said, "Mommy, is daddy in his mansion playing his guitar?" What? Out of the mouth of babes---no wonder Jesus loved kids so much! How could you not? What he knows about heaven is so perfect and yet he really thinks that one day we will drive up at our house and Blair will be there. Don't we wish it could be like that! So, needless to say I cried myself to the pool barely able to drive with the tears in my eyes.

But, I have to remind myself, Blair has won the ultimate and this is not about survival on this earth it is about thriving and giving God all the glory and honor that He deserves. Yes, painful but there is no other reasonable option for me at this point. Obviously, Davis and Campbell will both hang on my EVERY word and I want them to KNOW up close and personal that VeggieTales song--Our God is bigger than the boogie man and HE IS WATCHING OUT FOR YOU AND ME! Praise Him for it!