Hard to Believe

I'm sure anyone reading this post wants to know what's inside my head on this day. Obviously, there is too much to write for that post so here is where I'll share with you my thoughts two years later.

Amid the chaos of these past two weeks...high fevers, babies in the bed with me, a catheter (that's a whole other post), and rattley chests, I have really not had a chance to just take it all in. But, no time like the present because these days are fleeting and I'm going to forget.

You all know that music plays such a huge role in my relationship with the Lord and it's the best way I express to Him how much I love Him..even if I'm not singing it but just listening and praying it back to Him. I was listening to 'Healing is In Your Hands' this morning and my daily dose of 'In Christ Alone.' Wow, what powerful words but my thoughts still came back to my own choosing to allow Him to heal...to be vulnerable enough to let His power work in my life to give all the glory of survival and thriving back to Him. IT'S OUR CHOICE to let Him do this in our lives...all of us...regardless of situation.

Kelly and I were talking this week about pain and heartaches. There are two categories that characterize them all, the first being pruning for the believer and the second being discipline for the believer. More often for all of us...pruning is occuring. But, man the pruning hurts. I just think about real gardens...botanical gardens where people pay money to see the flowers..ie not my backyard. There are staffers with their sole job being clipping and pruning to make it beautiful, gorgeous, heavenly to the eyes. That's it for us...He's clipping you and me ..clipping the unneeded, the ugliness of our flesh...to reveal the glory of Him...so people look at us and say, 'WOW, isn't HE awesome and powerful to be able to create that out of a seed.' And...it hurts, but in the end the pain is worth the heaven to the eyes. Hopefully, people will see JESUS and that heaven in our own eyes is very real..a real place with no pruning and no pain and no tears.

So amid the chaos, we have really come to a place where life is..well, good(I know this is a such a trite t-shirty type statement but hey, it's true). The day to day activity and routine is great, the kids are really precious, and I have to say that I am beyond content with my situation. Now, it gets crazy but fortunately I call in the troops when that happens and say to myself...'this too shall pass' and it does. We talk about Blair literally every day and there is not an hour that goes by that we don't mention him or miss him. BUT, my mission is to point my children toward heaven and keep my own eyes fixed there myself regardless of what we are missing.

This is the forever long post but wow, things are a changin' around here. WE ARE MOVING!! Most of you know this but it never hurts to make the official announcement in two places. Last fall Davis played Smart Start soccert at the base. He scored a goal and ran past me with both thumbs up and yelled to the sidelines, 'Thumbs up, Mom.' It was precious but it broke my heart at the same time that my parents and David and Judy would rarely ever get to see him play being almost 2 and half hours away. It was at that moment that I started praying about moving. God confirmed many times over through an undeniable peace about the sitution and other random things (again, another post in and of itself). The Air Force will move us for three years after Blair's death. As of today, we are two years into it...and that left one to make some serious decisions about our future. SO, we are moving to Huntsville this August. We are building a house that was already started and we just get to pick out the fun stuff. Just so happens that Blair's best friend since grade school , Mark Chastain, lives 5 houses down with his precious wife, Larissa, and their three kids. To say that they love my kids, is an understatement. They are beyond excited and we are thrilled to get to move closer to home. And, I can't say I am not thrilled about being near a Target and Sam's woohoo! Bittersweet, oh me yes. But, the friends we have made over the years will be forever and distance is just a mileage number on the highway, right? My number of texts will just be much greater ..than it already is!:)

I'm posting some recent pics of the kids but the reason I even posted today was because of Davis's drawing at school yesterday. He loves to write in 'cursive' and then he interprets. He wrote and then told Ms. Lynn what to write yesterday and this is a picture....it could have been the entire post. It's beyond pitiful but yet, he gets it... this is not the end. He misses Blair terribly and it shows and I'm glad that he can express himself through 'cursive.' My little man is tough but his emotions are as real as ever, two years later. He has no idea that today it has been two years since Blair died. I nor anyone else has even mentioned it but yet, his heart, as all of our hearts are, was heavy. Only God knows but again, HIS timing is perfect. As good as our best day is, it still doesn't compare to heaven. So I hope you've had a blessed day. I'm painting...a great end to a day of remembrance! I love you and thank you for your messages today. I'm blessed and lifted up on eagle's wings by your prayers.

One is Silver, the Other Gold

There was this overwhelming sense to write this post today. A decade has past and looking at my life over the last 10 years on the the first day of my next 10 years, I am honestly overwhelmed at the joy, the sorrow, the fun, the growth, the blessings, the pain, the ashes, the fire, the quenching, the kids, the help, and the prayers. I could go on and on down this entire entry.
I mean really, in the last 10 years I have buried Todd, married again, moved to New Orleans, had two amazing pregnancies resulting in two precious kids, weathered Katrina, moved again to Florence, then San Antonio, then Columbus, lost Blair, scattered his ashes in Italy, raised two kids (with LOTS of help) to know that HEAVEN IS REAL, and SURVIVED!! I am tired just reading that! Seriously, in 10 years who would have thought!! Not me, that's for sure.
I sit here on the brink of what has to be another decade of growth for sure, but hopefully a little less fire. BUT, if not, TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY.
The emotions are so eloquently summed up in Davis's tears last night as he gazed upon our last family picture on his dresser and cried, 'I just miss him so much and I want him to come out of heaven and play with me." Me too, buddy, me too. I was speechless and at that moment I felt so sorry for my sweet baby boy. I rarely have that feeling because I can't let myself go there. It's too painful. But last night was heart wrenching because as he gets older HE sees what he is missing. He sees other daddies and wants his. Ugh, life just hits you square on in moments like that. The reality is so vivid and clear and my comeback to all of that was simple. WE WILL SEE HIM AGAIN and it will be perfect. Hold, squeeze, kiss, rock, repeat. 'Daddy is so proud of you and the man that you are becoming.' All I could think was , 'Dear Lord, please come quickly so I do not have to tell him this for the next decade.' Can I get an AMEN?
So, if you are sobbing I am sorry. I keep remembering that verse this weekend that says it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of feasting. We have all done some serious feasting these past few weeks. Honestly, it's been downright ridiculous for most of us. I am still stuffed from Christmas day and my four meals. I mean come on!!! But, how aprepo for me to mourn this weekend and start the year off with a fresh perspective on the why in the world I have gone through this craziness over the last 10.
I'll tell you why, because you are reading this and reminding yourself as you are reading that this is about your own PERSONAL relationship with Jesus Christ. THAT IS ALL WE TAKE WITH US! You can't take your 401 K (or half of it post July of 09), you can't take your car (even though I heart my mini-van like nobody's business), you can't take your kids (even though somedays that might seem like a great idea, LOL), you can't take your degree or title, you can't take your lovie or your 'security blanket' (even though Davis asks me all the time if God will let him have his rabbit in heaven). NONE of it, just what you have done to make HIM famous and the relationship you have with HIM. Wow, that's something to think about in 2010. I want to be bolder, I want to know HIS WORD better, and I want to deeply invest in people more in 2010 --because this is it. One chance....blip on the screen of eternity.
Did I mention that I love NEW YEAR's DAY! Wow, nothing like a fresh start, huh? I am glad I was at a house of mourning this weekend. Weird, I know. Mourning is good, we should all do it more. May this find you contemplative this day. I love you all and sorry I have slacked so bad on posting....I'll do better in 2010.

ITALIA!!

There are really no words to describe our adventure to Italy. It was an amazing time for all of us. To even go on this journey was such a feat because between the five of us there are 11 children to be cared for. So, you can imagine we all felt priviledged to be there and make no mistake we made the most of our time away but all the while so grateful (and indebted) to our families for the opportunity.

Most of you know that Blair requested while we were on his 40th birthday trip over a year ago to be cremated and scattered over Italy because he loved it there so much. It was a casual conversation with Mark and Larissa about death, funerals, etc. and during that discussion a week prior to his own death he made his wishes quite clear. So, in an effort to do what he asked we embarked on this journey with his ashes to make his request a reality. I have to admit that this trip, as excited as I was about taking it, was clearly bittersweet. This was it-the last and final piece to finish on earth to a life well lived. A finale of sorts and I wanted it to be memorable for the children and for those who journeyed with me. Oh the pressure...

I knew we would leave the ashes on the first day of our journey so in an effort to make the scattering 'official' I wrote these words on the plane over to Zurich. I cried tears-- of sorrow, of sadness, of relief to finally be doing this, of joy for Blair in heaven, as I wrote these words that I unashamedly share with you. The emotion almost overwhelms me now just thinking about sitting in that cramped seat on a plane for 8 hours reflecting on my life over the last year and our life together. What a cleansing it was...

'I write this as we are crossing the ocean to leave you here just as you asked. Of course, it is not you and we all know that. I wanted to do as you wished and honor your memory, your life, and our time together on earth. So that is what we are doing. You would want us to leave you here and never look back figuratively and literally. You lived your life with no regrets and I will have none when the sun sets on this day. We both lived and loved fearlessly and I am so grateful for the time we spent on earth with you. I know you hear the constant rush of angels wings and music that we cannot even begin to comprehend in our finite minds. What a day it will be when we meet you and Christ Jesus in the sky. My heart leaps at the thought of that reunion with you in your perfect, glorified, unblemished body.

I can't even express my gratitude for the two children that God blessed us with. Every glance into their precious eyes is a glance back into yours. I want Davis and Campbell above all else to know that Jesus Christ is the reason for everything we did together and for all that I do now. I know they will watch this video one day and maybe think it a little strange but more than anything else I want them to remember that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord for those who KNOW Him. I want them to watch as your ashes scatter to the wind and know that our God is bigger than death. I want them to revel in the fact that your death has brought great change in the hearts and minds of hundreds if not thousands and to never forget that all things work for the good of those that LOVE the Lord. We will forever have a hole in our lives and hearts but the reason we go on is because Christ Jesus has filled that hole that nothing else can fill. Davis and Campbell have a treasure trove of funny memories, of great accomplishment, and sheer greatness to hold onto the rest of their lives. Thank you Blair for giving them such a heritage from the Lord!

I know that I will remember this trip the rest of my days. There is nothing that you wanted more than for us to leave your ashes here and celebrate a life, our love, our precious friends and family, and our blessings. SO, WE WILL!! We will eat our way through Italy and we vow to remember that though sorrow may last for the night, unspeakable joy comes in the morning. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father who loved me enough to give me the priviledge of sharing my life with you. I am thankful to my precious friends, Beth and Rebecca and Karla, that have joined me in this journey of completion and I so am thankful to my sister (in law) and in Christ who holds my greatest link to Blair's hilarity and zest for life on this earth. I love you and I thank you!

'Lord, You have given us today as a gift. We take it gratefully and vow to never forget that death is temporary. Eternity is forever!!! Help us, remind us, and empower us with your Holy Spirit to help others understand the reality of eternity and the temporary state we live in. Remind us daily of heaven's glory! Give us glimpses and help us to believe and live like this day could be our last. Bless our family as we press on. Lord, give Davis and Campbell a supernatural understanding of their Heavenly Father that heals the absence of Blair in their hearts. Give them the ability to comprehend eternity at a very young age! Thank you for giving us life by the giving of your own! We love you, we praise you, and I give you all the glory! AMEN!!'

In the pouring down rain, ponchos on, 'having a moment', on a moutaintop 500 feet above 'the' Roman Road we then scattered Blair's ashes after I read this. Final does not even describe it...but reliving it only reminds me that it is so not final and oh I am so glad.

We continued the journey to Lecco, Bologna, Modena, Florence, Verona, Vicenza, Venice, Marostica, Como and then back to Zurich, Switzerland. What a trip! God be praised for safe travels and honestly the most belly-laughing time I have ever had in my life. What a trip!!

Dreams

Well, once again I am so far behind on this whole blogging thing for all of you who follow. I'll do better, but who am I kidding, I have two children. Most of you who read this know that a year has now come and gone since Blair left this earth for his new home in heaven. Today, May 1, Davis decided he would take a 'bath' aka 'Can I play in the tub uninterrupted by my sister?' this morning. While in the tub pretending he was in the movie Nemo with his plastic bag full of fish, he looked over at me and said, "Mommy, Daddy came in the door last night and gave me a hug and told me he loved me and then said he had to go back to heaven.' 'Really,' I said, of course not believing my ears. 'Did you dream that Davis?,' I asked in a very puzzled thought process. 'I guess,' he answered. Regardless, that precious baby ensued to discuss where Daddy was and why we couldn't go back to heaven with him. Oh my word, I was trying desperately in my head to come up with just the perfect words for him. So, I went on to say a few things about our own 'not nice things that we do and say to others' and how we could be with Jesus and that he died for us because he loved us and that is how we get to go to heaven. I honestly don't know what all I said because I was still numb that he had a dream about Blair, a year later. Then that precious child said, 'But Mommy, Jesus said let the little children come to Me for such is the kingdom of heaven, so he wants us to come to Him in heaven.' ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Did you just say that, at THREE??? Yes, he did and just as boldly and as confindently as I type this that baby knew that Jesus wanted him there, child or adult. That my friends is the power of SCRIPTURE!!! Thank you Lord for the sword of the spirit that is sharper than any two-edged sword and can penetrate the heart of a 3 year old to remind him that he is important and Jesus wants and loves him so much.

I couldn't help but share something that I will never forget with you. Do not be fooled at what they are picking up on, good or bad. Davis has an indeliable mark on his brain of what his Daddy means to him, regardless if he will never touch or feel his hug again. And, those scriptures about heaven that we sing over and over will stay with him till he gets there himself. Thank you Jesus for the gift of song and the combination of scripture. How blessed are we to have it available to us?

April has been bittersweet for all of us no doubt. We celebrated Easter together as a family and of course I couldn't help but think the whole day how grateful I was for power of Christ in my life but also I was overwhelmed with memories of our 'last holiday' that we celebrated. They dedicated the auditorium in the 50th squadron building in memory of Blair and after the dedication the squadron perceded to burn a piano, in WWII fighter tradition, in memory of Blair. They toasted him while the pianist played a burning piano. It was such a special day and we capped it off with a huge party, in true Blair form, at our house in honor of all of the precious people who have helped us over this past year. It was a perfect evening of awesome food, great friends, great music, thanks to Blair's cousin, http://www.russromine.com/, shameless plug but he is so awesome, and just the most precious bunch of people you have ever met. I'm so blessed and I can't even begin to tell you what it meant to see all of those sweet faces there to celebrate a life of meaning and a life that has caused great change in many lives.

Miss you all and thanks so much for all your prayers, comments and selfless sacrifices.

All my love,

Rachel

A Lesson Learned

Ok, so yes it has been since December the 7th since I posted on here and since I am hearing you --you know who you are---here goes. The life and times of the Faulkners starts again with this post but it is really one that is needed and so exciting and good and prudent. But, before I get serious on you let's talk about what has happened since December the 7th to be exact. Christmas was so busy and fun and bittersweet but it was about the kids and that is the way we kept it. If you could have seen Paige and I in the floor putting together Davis's drumset there is no way you could have cried for us because you would have been laughing so hard, and then you would have cried, from laughing, because we were. I am not kidding, we put that crazy thing together and took it apart three times trying to get the crazy base drum right. It was pitiful. We have 9 years of college between the two of us and it didn't matter. What in the world?? It takes a village--that's all I'm sayin. Anyway, Davis was so unbelievably into the whole thing and convinced himself before bed that he heard the reindeer on the roof of Nannan and Pop's. It was precious and in spite of it all we all really enjoyed ourselves and yes I missed Blair beyond belief but I knew that He got to spend his first Christmas ever at HIS feet asking what day He was really born on. How amazing to get the whole recount from the ONE, while we tried to make it about Christ here on earth. The wonder of it all....

We took a little trip to Biloxi for a family reunion of sorts and had a fabulous time at Aunt Barbie's. It was so nice to see the cousins and Davis and Campbell were in their element with Rock Band for Davis and Campbell and the girl cousins vying for time with the 'baby'. Sweet!

January was a month spent in Columbus which was really rare for us. A whole month in one location with no nights in a pack n' play or alternative crib for Campbell. Thanks goodness since Campbell had pneumonia and a trip to the ER for a double ear infection. Not our finest month in recent history, but all is well now and to end the month Beth and Rebecca came to shop it up in Columbus, that's not a joke. You haven't lived till you get a babysitter for 6 kids under 4 and rummage Dirt Cheap and Fashion Apparell for the best deals in three states. You should come! Seriously! We loved being together and watching our kids develop life-long friendships like our own. It's really a blessing and one that I do not take for granted!

And then, in February we saw our beloved IIMAGINATION MOVERS!! Davis was out of his mind and decked out in his blue suit donning his wobble goggles and scribble sticks. We, and yes I am including myself here, were crazy people at the concert in Birmingham. It was so good to see them perform live and to MEET them. Yes, I'm serious. We were able to meet them --up close and personal with Mover Rich and the gang. I'm not sure who was a bigger idiot at the concert-me, definitely the girl in the red Mover t-shirt screaming when Mover Rich passed trying to get him to reach out and touch my baby boy. Yes, I know, I'm a freak! But, when our 'meet n greet' was over Davis just had to go back and tell Mover Rich that he could come to his house on Sunday. So cute---he was so serious!

And then, New York City, and yes, in my head I am saying that like the Pace Picante commercial. Oh, it's late.:)) Sorry! Judy, Glenda (Todd's mom), Jeanne and Paige(sisters -in -law), Hannah, Abby, and Haley (nieces) and I traveled for the ultimate girl weekend and lived it up right. We saw Mary Poppins, had a tea /birthday party at the American Girl Doll store, and took the grand tour of Manhattan in three days and had a fabulous time. China Town was a hit, minus our crazy purse purchasing experience, and of course the sistas enjoyed our night on the town at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill, thanks Gran and Nannan. It was a sweet sweet time to be with those that I treasure most and will for eternity. I'm blessed, that's all I'm saying and you all know why.

So, there you have it and maybe that's why it's been so long since I posted. BUSY!! All that being said, I have learned so much that there is no way to share with you all over this one post. But, keep reading and know that God is up to something and no kidding I'm listening. I was asked to speak at a women's Bible study in Muscle Shoals. They were studying Proverbs and I started studying myself just to 'get a Word' to share with them. I landed and never got off of Proverbs 1:7--'the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fool despises wisdom and instruction.' Really, fear. Is that it?? Is that what I'm not doing? And, in my head the answer was 'YES, Rachel that's what I need.' Holy, reverent, fear. Ok, that's good. I can work with that and putting it into practice means 'I stand up a little straighter before you Lord, and I don't miss appointments with You, and I treat You like I would a meeting with Beth Moore---but you are so much more than that and I wouldn't miss a meeting with her one-on-one if my very life depended on it'!! Don't you see-I don't fear Him enough. And then, in true God form, He has reaffirmed it this week again and again and thus why I felt so compelled to share with you all.

Friday night I was sharing this whole fear of the Lord thing with a fellow believer and he said, 'Me too'! That is so strange that you would say that.' Is it strange--no it's not! And then, on Sunday, in my small group we are studying Andy Stanley's The Best Question Ever and would you believe the last video was about Fear of the Lord!! Are you kidding me?? Ok, you got me!! I get it, you win, always:). AND THEN, I'm not joking---this is nuts-tonight as I was prepping for my Esther study I was looking up the Bible verse that we are memorizing along with Living Proof Ministries (Beth Moore) blog and do you know what it was, um, yeah that's right Malachi 3:16 which says, (please don't fall off your chair like I almost did) 'Then those that FEARED the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD gave attention and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before HIM for those who fear the Lord and esteem His name.'

Ok, do you see why my fingers are on fire typing this!!! Obviously, I am pretty overwhelmed by God's words and seeing it over and over is confirmation that HE is crying out for us to have that holy reverant precious fear!!! I want it, I need it, I crave it! Help me Lord to be in that book of remembrance and esteem your Name! Write me all over it, please! So, I'm desperate for the wisdom that college, and IQ, and ACT scores, money, and age cannot give me. Only through fear will I have that knowledge that breeds wisdom and LOVES discipline and instruction. I want it! Bring it!

Sorry for the explosion of thought but I'm seriously overwhelmed at His hand at work. He can do such BIG things if we just let Him! Miss you all!!

In His Fear, Rachel

Polar Expressed

Davis, Campbell, Judy, David and I went to ride the Polar Express with some precious friends of mine from Birmingham this past Saturday!! We had such an awesome ride at -2 mph on the train, yes that's negative 2 because the thing crawled down the tracks. I think Santa's elves were pushing it! So funny! Santa and Mrs. Clause came down through the cars giving out little gifts and Davis was out of his mind excited to talk to him. He told him he wanted a really big piece of candy and a trumpet. So, there you have it-easy enough if I do say so myself. We had a great time even though Campbell was not releasing her death grip on me to go to Santa or the Mrs. Just like a 1 year old. We loved it and sadly made it home just in time to watch Alabama lose, oh well!

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

I know, I know! You want Disney pictures!! Sorry, it has taken me forever to do this and I don't want to keep you waiting any longer!! First of all, we had the best time ever BUT, Disney is not a Ritz Carlton spa day, to say the least!! Oh my word, were we ever tired!! It was a crazy fun week of Mickey and friends and we certainly maximized our time and meal plan cards!! We loved the meal plan so sign up if you are going anytime soon! Drew and Haley had a great time riding 'It's a Small World' for the twelfth time, just kidding, but I will say that by far that was Davis and Campbell's favorite. Peter Pan was a hit and of course the fifty variations of Dumbo were huge with the little ones. Now, the adults hands down loved Soarin' at Epcot. It was a stark reminder that everywhere you go we take Blair with us and nothing like a 'flying' ride to remind us of all that he was able to do as his reality. There was not one thing in that ride that he had not flown over and swooped down on in some form of airframe that he flew over the years. What a life!! He would have loved it and we all could not miss him terribly at various moments throughout the week. Davis dancing with Jo-Jo and the Little Einsteins, Campbell jumping out of her seat to see Tigger, Davis at the coconut race at O'hana, Davis talking to Crush and telling him proudly that he was three, and of course the drummers at Epcot giving Davis their drum sticks because he was so into what they were doing---they were all priceless memories that I so wish Blair could have seen and he did in some way. In spite of the nagging thought that he was missing one of the most joyous experiences for toddlers, I was reminded again that no matter how great Disney is heaven is still better. The rides are better, the food is better, the people are perfect, and we are again all together. So, as I look at these pictures and dream of Blair being in them I still long for the day I will see him again. Because, make no mistake I will and it will be soon! So, we press on. I sincerely hope that you had a great Thanksgiving remembering all that we have to be thankful for. In spite of it all, we are still crazy blessed!