Today was the day.....

Today was the day that my baby boy started his journey to higher learning.....and wow what a day it was. I wanted to share a letter that I wrote him as I reflect on this day. One...so it will be permanent and we won't forget and two...for me to just catalog a flood of emotion.

My beloved Davis,

Today you walked into the halls of Whitesburg Academy and instantly you grew up before my eyes. But, this journey began almost 6 years ago and will continue til Jesus takes us home.

You came into this world with quite a buzz.....mommy was 34 weeks pregnant when Hurricane Katrina changed what your birthday would look like. Instead of Baptist hospital in New Orleans, you met us at ECM hospital in Florence on October 10, 2005....because of a storm...isn't that amazing? It was God's sweet provision for us to have a home and careers that were incredibly accomodating to our situation. BUT, more than any of that...it was the greatest day of my life (besides the day I met Jesus). You were perfect in every way. We cried tears of joy....just like I shed while we were swinging yesterday. You can't understand 'happy tears' but mommy cries lots of those because I am so grateful that your were God's perfect gift to me and daddy.

There is no way to sum up six years in a letter but I am going to try because I want you to know that the little boy that you have become makes me so proud. I adore you and you are a true delight to my soul.

Year one...wow, mommy didn't quite know what she was doing but we had quite the adventure. From New Orleans, to Florence, to Columbus, to San Antonio....you were quite the little trooper for all of our moves. Not to mention, you were the brightest light in our eyes. I learned in that year what it meant to know Jesus in such a way that you could follow me to the cross. I am forever grateful for the fervor that you gave me to pursue His kingdom and all its righteousness. I truly believe that in God sharing the gift of motherhood with me....HE allowed me to really understand the cross in a way I never had. On top of all that...you were the cutest little thing ever and you slept really well...Praise you Jesus:))!

Year two....wow...can you say...PER-SO-NA-LITY!! Man...you were clapping, swim float swimming, not walking (of which I was not sad about but daddy was ultra concerned..ha), high fiving, 'so bigging', and signing with the best of them. You knew what you wanted and went for it. It was amazing to watch you lap up the knowledge and the love of the world around you. You were a constant source of entertainment and joy....you still are.

Year three....well....as your personality grew...so did your will...big smile. We think they might have written a few books on you this year.....like one called 'THE STRONG WILLED CHILD.' You were a t-ball hitting crazy man, knowledge seeking, a red mustang driving, dirt digging, full of life little boy. You gave us quite the run for our money in year three. BUT, with God's word and wise counsel, we trained and we trained and we trained......and we're still training. Growing in wisdom and stature is quite the process....:) Daddy met Jesus in Columbus this year. You didn't really seem to understand at the time the permanence of our new normal. Your life and day to day...minus the evenings... really did not change that dramatically. There was a hole left for all of us that only Jesus can fill for us everyday.

Year four...as we settled and another year of preschool started it became even more apparent to me how intelligently curious you were about everything. The one day that we found 5 different kinds of lichens and you wanted to 'google' them ....I knew I was in for quite the ride. You are a voracious learner and I am so grateful that God has given you this fire. I knew one day soon the training would become fruit. I could see the beginning buds. It's so hard to parent you alone and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that angels must have followed you tenderly everytime you climbed Mark and Elizabeth's crape myrtles and every other time you jumped off something crazy. God is truly our helper and we get that in a very real way. He is your daddy today while yours sits at His feet in heaven waiting for the most amazing reunion one day. Miss Bekka was our earthly angel and carted you and Cam around like y'all were her own kids. We will always be grateful and I don't want you to forget what all she did for you. They ate every 'Monday night meal' with us....and we treasured our sweet little table full of laughs and people but more than that we treasured the company and compassion.

And year 5....wow...Davis you are certainly the most amazing little boy. Since the day you turned 5 our life has been full of the highest highs and some of our lowest lows. We moved to Huntsville and life took on new characteristics and emotions that you had never felt nor experienced. God has again been our Defender, our Provider, our Abba. He was present enough that within this year you heard His call and responded right after your 5th birthday. You were baptized in May and there is no doubt in my mind that pieces of obedience and grace are coming together in the puzzle for you. Your heart is tender to His word and I am so grateful that we can 'talk about it' and move on with Jesus knowing that He has covered us with His blood. It is a treasure to mother a child that constantly keeps me engaged and in tune to His spirit and the truth of Deuteronomy 11:19. You embody walking along and talking about His words.....you bring us back all the time....how grateful I am! As hard as it has been, God has the most amazing purpose for your life. No doubt in my mind....His kingdom will be different with you in it.

So...as I reflect on my uncontrollable tears....and swinging with you....wow...I'm overwhelmed. The swinging brought back these years of swinging and singing 'If you're happy and you know it'....but it brought back the face that I have seen mature into the boy that stands before me with his purple academy shirt, new tennis shoes, and magnetic belt. The years have flown and my love has grown exponentially for who Jesus is in you and for you as one of the ultimate contributors to this thing we call life. With every pump of the swing, I saw new beauty in our ashes. You told me that you wished your daddy could see you go to kindergarten. Of course you wanted that, and I wanted that. But, in reality you know he does....and he is incredibly excited for what your future holds. It's gonna be amazing baby boy. Kindergarten.....watch out. There's a little boy at Table 3 who is God's mighty warrior.

DAVIS'S and MY EBENEZER

Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. —Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Samuel placed a large stone at the place where this restoration began. He publicly dedicated it as a monument to God's help, God's faithfulness, God's eternal covenant. And as the people got on with their lives, the stone stood there, visible to all who passed that way, a reminder of mercy and restoration.

If I could go get a stone and put it in my yard...like Stonehenge big...I would have on Tuesday, April 19....I would. It would be visible for miles....to all who will listen and look. I'm telling you right now, this past Monday night was my weakest, worst, and the hardest night of my entire tenure as a mother. Now...let's be honest ....there will be many more of those but in 5 and a half years that would have been it.

You all know that Davis has had some pretty extensive counseling over the last year of processing his new normal. He has done an amazing job of 'playing it out' literally. He is such a communicator and leaves nothing to the imagination about how he feels about Blair's death. BUT, this is a process like none other and it comes in waves. The tsunami of his grief hit him Monday night. He was beyond devastated, wailing, sobbing, asking, pleading, and begging me to answer questions that I simply have no answer for and only ONE does....that's the ONE. In his words, he missed Blair's strong arms hugging him after work and he just wanted him to come down from heaven for 4 nights and spend the night with us...and then he could go back. 'I just need to see him so bad,' he would say through salty precious tears that no doubt our Savior will hand to us in a jar when we get there. Oh me....i don't even need to explain the sheer magnitude of my helplessness. What do you say....I had nothing...I was beyond exhausted and the tears of my baby boy had me in a tailspin of questions of my own....not to mention my own salty tear-ridden face. Pathetic cannot even begin to touch the two of us laying in Davis's twin bunk bed.

Finally, after answering with answers that could not suffice but were my best effort, I just decided that we needed to ask the ONE who comforts and binds our wounds that had us bloody. I'm not sure what I said but I do know...the Holy Spirit spoke through me and through Davis's sweet prayers. I left Davis that night calm and I asked him to pray on his own and just talk to God about how he felt. He did....

I woke up the next morning before the kids and just found myself beat up from the night before. I worshipped...because I say this with all sincerity ...that is all I know to do. I have no where else to turn. After being in a state of sheer brokenness for my child and his grief, I was listening to a song about healing when a child read Psalm 139 within the song where He clearly says..

.¹You have looked deep

into my heart, LORD,

and you know all about me.

²You know when I am resting

or when I am working,

and from heaven

you discover my thoughts.

³You notice everything I do

and everywhere I go.

⁴Before I even speak a word,

you know what I will say,

⁵and with your powerful arm

you protect me

from every side.

⁶I can't understand all of this!

Such wonderful knowledge

is far above me.

AND WITH YOUR POWERFUL ARM YOU PROTECT ME FROM EVERY SIDE.....the same words my child has spoken as the one thing that he remembered and missed. I was a mess...you can imagine.

Then he woke up ...our Ebenezer stone laying day....and said the Holy Spirit spoke to him and he saw a box with an angel in it....and the angel said to him...'You will see your daddy soon.'

PAGE BREAK....if you read this and question the 'realness' of Davis's statement....it's ok. I understand. BUT ....even the disciples thought children were a wee bit bothersome and really had no spiritual purpose in the kingdom. Jesus had a few words for them..."LET THEM COME TO ME." Jesus blessed my son this night with something you nor I can explain. We say sometimes flippantly say that Jesus is the Author and Perfectocr of our FAITH.....he was and is and did that for my child. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS STORY.

We stayed home from Bible study to seek out a large large box to make a 12 foot rainbow for his room to remind him of heaven (his idea). While painting our rainbow, he spoke with great confidence about what the Holy Spirit had sealed in his heart. We already had a counseling appointment that day (divine), and so when we got there it was truly like he was telling Ms. Pam that he had gotten a trampoline for Christmas. "Ms. Pam, the Holy Spirit spoke to me last night and told me that I was going to see my daddy soon.' Healed completely....not til we are on gold streets, but that night God sealed for that child why his beloved daddy cannot come down from heaven. So much so that at lunch and bedtime, he no longer prayed that God would help him to understand why his daddy couldn't come down from heaven, a prayer which he has prayed for months and months. He said, 'Mom, I don't need to pray that anymore, I understand.' God seared a bleeding heart with HIS WORD...with the ONE He sent to be with us always...because it was better that way. Yes, yes it was.

This is my public dedication to what God did in the life and heart of a child. Here lies the restoration and the Ebenezer of help. Here lies a turning point for Davis. Here lies healing. Here.....three years almost to the day when Blair met Jesus face to face in a new perfect whole self. I am grateful...I am humbled....and my faith soars.

David himself said...'I can't understand all of this! Such wonderful knowledge is far above me!' The Holy Spirit is that indeed. My child tasted His glory and has told almost everyone he has seen since Tuesday...he's so excited and in fact asked me tonight ...'Do you think the Holy Spirit talks to other kids?' Yes, buddy I do but I am so glad he whispered to you! Geez....I stand amazed.

Blair. you would be proud of your little buddy. He makes me want for more of HIM in a way that only a child could. Thank you for our two precious gifts. ....til we meet you in the sky. All my love....R

Oh me...I've missed you!!

Ok, ridiculous isn't it that I have not blogged in almost a year. My apologies...it's been a little crazy. No way to go back and reflect....that's a book. So....I'm starting fresh...are you ready!!! I'm kind of excited....inspired by sweet friends who are waaaay more into this than I am....and ready to catalog our life so my kids will have more than pictures....although they are worth a thousand words....when you take good ones...heehee.

It is really about today ....which just ended and why I'm up doing this I'm not sure....yes I am. God showed me something amazing that those of us with children will especially find hope in and I need to share it. It's too long for a tweet or FB status...and He might have this for you tomorrow.

Learning about surrender....heard a teaching this morning about it and it was profound. I wrote down a few things that I needed to do...thought of some more. Would you believe one of the very things I had thought of that I needed to put at rest...move on....say my apologies for being careless about happened this afternoon. It was beautiful and it was straight from Him. I needed to close this door so another one could open and it was just amazing as the grace and mercy flowed. Man....it's these things that I don't want to forget ....when I hear Him speak to me and ...there it is. I'm always surprised...shouldn't be but I am.

Ok....so now to kids. Davis is 5 and Campbell is 3. We have had some major shifts in who gets the brunt of most of the discipline. I'll let you guess...Davis has matured...Campbell...well, she's 3...enough said. It is beautiful to see but all the while I kind of feel like I'm in a deja vu and the child under my wing more often than not is blond and blue eyed....girl. Wow...my how things change. Anyway, Davis has struggled recently with ugly thoughts....not necessarily evil....just things he shouldn't dwell on. It's normal, I was prepared for it, have seen it before, have had counselors warn me, etc.....but when he is your own ...it is so difficult to help him. So...where to go, no where else but the Word. Here it is....'Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ'.....we are talking a lot these days about what a captive thought looks like and what to do with it. So...what 's next. Think about such things....Phil 4:8...whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Alpha Gams can I get an amen)....these things Davis...heaven, how much we love you, how blessed we are, your greatest memories. So that....Phil. 4:9 ...you can put this new way of thinking into practice and the God of PEACE will be with you. PEACE....love the Word, love the thought of dwelling here, love that my child knows and loves Jesus enough to recognize a thought not of Christ and verbalize...'Mom, I'm holding that one captive.' Thanks be to you O LORD for your perfect holy WORD ...that NEVER comes back void..never!!!

Ok..second thing. LYING...this is a big one but it's amazing how God has worked...today. We all know the devastation lying can bring to families. It's horrible ...which is why in Prov 12:22...it says.." The Lord detests (some transl. disgusted) lying lips, BUT HE delights in men who are truthful." Delights....please Lord do that in me. Please. Davis lied....ugh...my poor child. He is being made an example because I do not want to forget this day and what He brought me to and through on this day. Seems simple but I assure you it so huge. Nothing like putting some scripture to good use in a day to memorize it in a way that you will never forget it. He actually lied two days ago now....but then needed to revisit his 'fable' again this morning. Oh boy....to lie twice about the same thing....clearly the teaching did not sink in. It was strange honestly...he usually is repentant beyond belief and it's a moot point until the next time....lying is rare but happens... let's be honest. So, discipline again....but the scripture that I normally use was just not really sinking in ...'Keep your tongue from evil and lips speaking lies.' It was not reaching the heart like I had hoped...clearly. And...then I go to hear this same teaching on surrender and what do you know ...Prov 12:22. I was dumbfounded at HIS GOODNESS for my moment....my need...HE MET ME. HE always does. HE met Davis when we got to the car. I told him I had a new scripture I was excited about. 'Mom, what does it mean to delight?' Oh that's easy....it means you jump up and down when your child repents and understands that their thoughts that are not His thoughts and are to be help captive. THAT IS DELIGHT....(I didn't tell him that...it was much simpler and 5 year oldish)! He got it....today. Tomorrow...it's a new day...it's a new blog...for me....

I love you Lord....you are so worthy. Listening to Christy Nockels sing 'I will carry your Name...for all of my days.' I will....not ever going back....I can think of no greater honor.

Hard to Believe

I'm sure anyone reading this post wants to know what's inside my head on this day. Obviously, there is too much to write for that post so here is where I'll share with you my thoughts two years later.

Amid the chaos of these past two weeks...high fevers, babies in the bed with me, a catheter (that's a whole other post), and rattley chests, I have really not had a chance to just take it all in. But, no time like the present because these days are fleeting and I'm going to forget.

You all know that music plays such a huge role in my relationship with the Lord and it's the best way I express to Him how much I love Him..even if I'm not singing it but just listening and praying it back to Him. I was listening to 'Healing is In Your Hands' this morning and my daily dose of 'In Christ Alone.' Wow, what powerful words but my thoughts still came back to my own choosing to allow Him to heal...to be vulnerable enough to let His power work in my life to give all the glory of survival and thriving back to Him. IT'S OUR CHOICE to let Him do this in our lives...all of us...regardless of situation.

Kelly and I were talking this week about pain and heartaches. There are two categories that characterize them all, the first being pruning for the believer and the second being discipline for the believer. More often for all of us...pruning is occuring. But, man the pruning hurts. I just think about real gardens...botanical gardens where people pay money to see the flowers..ie not my backyard. There are staffers with their sole job being clipping and pruning to make it beautiful, gorgeous, heavenly to the eyes. That's it for us...He's clipping you and me ..clipping the unneeded, the ugliness of our flesh...to reveal the glory of Him...so people look at us and say, 'WOW, isn't HE awesome and powerful to be able to create that out of a seed.' And...it hurts, but in the end the pain is worth the heaven to the eyes. Hopefully, people will see JESUS and that heaven in our own eyes is very real..a real place with no pruning and no pain and no tears.

So amid the chaos, we have really come to a place where life is..well, good(I know this is a such a trite t-shirty type statement but hey, it's true). The day to day activity and routine is great, the kids are really precious, and I have to say that I am beyond content with my situation. Now, it gets crazy but fortunately I call in the troops when that happens and say to myself...'this too shall pass' and it does. We talk about Blair literally every day and there is not an hour that goes by that we don't mention him or miss him. BUT, my mission is to point my children toward heaven and keep my own eyes fixed there myself regardless of what we are missing.

This is the forever long post but wow, things are a changin' around here. WE ARE MOVING!! Most of you know this but it never hurts to make the official announcement in two places. Last fall Davis played Smart Start soccert at the base. He scored a goal and ran past me with both thumbs up and yelled to the sidelines, 'Thumbs up, Mom.' It was precious but it broke my heart at the same time that my parents and David and Judy would rarely ever get to see him play being almost 2 and half hours away. It was at that moment that I started praying about moving. God confirmed many times over through an undeniable peace about the sitution and other random things (again, another post in and of itself). The Air Force will move us for three years after Blair's death. As of today, we are two years into it...and that left one to make some serious decisions about our future. SO, we are moving to Huntsville this August. We are building a house that was already started and we just get to pick out the fun stuff. Just so happens that Blair's best friend since grade school , Mark Chastain, lives 5 houses down with his precious wife, Larissa, and their three kids. To say that they love my kids, is an understatement. They are beyond excited and we are thrilled to get to move closer to home. And, I can't say I am not thrilled about being near a Target and Sam's woohoo! Bittersweet, oh me yes. But, the friends we have made over the years will be forever and distance is just a mileage number on the highway, right? My number of texts will just be much greater ..than it already is!:)

I'm posting some recent pics of the kids but the reason I even posted today was because of Davis's drawing at school yesterday. He loves to write in 'cursive' and then he interprets. He wrote and then told Ms. Lynn what to write yesterday and this is a picture....it could have been the entire post. It's beyond pitiful but yet, he gets it... this is not the end. He misses Blair terribly and it shows and I'm glad that he can express himself through 'cursive.' My little man is tough but his emotions are as real as ever, two years later. He has no idea that today it has been two years since Blair died. I nor anyone else has even mentioned it but yet, his heart, as all of our hearts are, was heavy. Only God knows but again, HIS timing is perfect. As good as our best day is, it still doesn't compare to heaven. So I hope you've had a blessed day. I'm painting...a great end to a day of remembrance! I love you and thank you for your messages today. I'm blessed and lifted up on eagle's wings by your prayers.

One is Silver, the Other Gold

There was this overwhelming sense to write this post today. A decade has past and looking at my life over the last 10 years on the the first day of my next 10 years, I am honestly overwhelmed at the joy, the sorrow, the fun, the growth, the blessings, the pain, the ashes, the fire, the quenching, the kids, the help, and the prayers. I could go on and on down this entire entry.
I mean really, in the last 10 years I have buried Todd, married again, moved to New Orleans, had two amazing pregnancies resulting in two precious kids, weathered Katrina, moved again to Florence, then San Antonio, then Columbus, lost Blair, scattered his ashes in Italy, raised two kids (with LOTS of help) to know that HEAVEN IS REAL, and SURVIVED!! I am tired just reading that! Seriously, in 10 years who would have thought!! Not me, that's for sure.
I sit here on the brink of what has to be another decade of growth for sure, but hopefully a little less fire. BUT, if not, TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY.
The emotions are so eloquently summed up in Davis's tears last night as he gazed upon our last family picture on his dresser and cried, 'I just miss him so much and I want him to come out of heaven and play with me." Me too, buddy, me too. I was speechless and at that moment I felt so sorry for my sweet baby boy. I rarely have that feeling because I can't let myself go there. It's too painful. But last night was heart wrenching because as he gets older HE sees what he is missing. He sees other daddies and wants his. Ugh, life just hits you square on in moments like that. The reality is so vivid and clear and my comeback to all of that was simple. WE WILL SEE HIM AGAIN and it will be perfect. Hold, squeeze, kiss, rock, repeat. 'Daddy is so proud of you and the man that you are becoming.' All I could think was , 'Dear Lord, please come quickly so I do not have to tell him this for the next decade.' Can I get an AMEN?
So, if you are sobbing I am sorry. I keep remembering that verse this weekend that says it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of feasting. We have all done some serious feasting these past few weeks. Honestly, it's been downright ridiculous for most of us. I am still stuffed from Christmas day and my four meals. I mean come on!!! But, how aprepo for me to mourn this weekend and start the year off with a fresh perspective on the why in the world I have gone through this craziness over the last 10.
I'll tell you why, because you are reading this and reminding yourself as you are reading that this is about your own PERSONAL relationship with Jesus Christ. THAT IS ALL WE TAKE WITH US! You can't take your 401 K (or half of it post July of 09), you can't take your car (even though I heart my mini-van like nobody's business), you can't take your kids (even though somedays that might seem like a great idea, LOL), you can't take your degree or title, you can't take your lovie or your 'security blanket' (even though Davis asks me all the time if God will let him have his rabbit in heaven). NONE of it, just what you have done to make HIM famous and the relationship you have with HIM. Wow, that's something to think about in 2010. I want to be bolder, I want to know HIS WORD better, and I want to deeply invest in people more in 2010 --because this is it. One chance....blip on the screen of eternity.
Did I mention that I love NEW YEAR's DAY! Wow, nothing like a fresh start, huh? I am glad I was at a house of mourning this weekend. Weird, I know. Mourning is good, we should all do it more. May this find you contemplative this day. I love you all and sorry I have slacked so bad on posting....I'll do better in 2010.

ITALIA!!

There are really no words to describe our adventure to Italy. It was an amazing time for all of us. To even go on this journey was such a feat because between the five of us there are 11 children to be cared for. So, you can imagine we all felt priviledged to be there and make no mistake we made the most of our time away but all the while so grateful (and indebted) to our families for the opportunity.

Most of you know that Blair requested while we were on his 40th birthday trip over a year ago to be cremated and scattered over Italy because he loved it there so much. It was a casual conversation with Mark and Larissa about death, funerals, etc. and during that discussion a week prior to his own death he made his wishes quite clear. So, in an effort to do what he asked we embarked on this journey with his ashes to make his request a reality. I have to admit that this trip, as excited as I was about taking it, was clearly bittersweet. This was it-the last and final piece to finish on earth to a life well lived. A finale of sorts and I wanted it to be memorable for the children and for those who journeyed with me. Oh the pressure...

I knew we would leave the ashes on the first day of our journey so in an effort to make the scattering 'official' I wrote these words on the plane over to Zurich. I cried tears-- of sorrow, of sadness, of relief to finally be doing this, of joy for Blair in heaven, as I wrote these words that I unashamedly share with you. The emotion almost overwhelms me now just thinking about sitting in that cramped seat on a plane for 8 hours reflecting on my life over the last year and our life together. What a cleansing it was...

'I write this as we are crossing the ocean to leave you here just as you asked. Of course, it is not you and we all know that. I wanted to do as you wished and honor your memory, your life, and our time together on earth. So that is what we are doing. You would want us to leave you here and never look back figuratively and literally. You lived your life with no regrets and I will have none when the sun sets on this day. We both lived and loved fearlessly and I am so grateful for the time we spent on earth with you. I know you hear the constant rush of angels wings and music that we cannot even begin to comprehend in our finite minds. What a day it will be when we meet you and Christ Jesus in the sky. My heart leaps at the thought of that reunion with you in your perfect, glorified, unblemished body.

I can't even express my gratitude for the two children that God blessed us with. Every glance into their precious eyes is a glance back into yours. I want Davis and Campbell above all else to know that Jesus Christ is the reason for everything we did together and for all that I do now. I know they will watch this video one day and maybe think it a little strange but more than anything else I want them to remember that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord for those who KNOW Him. I want them to watch as your ashes scatter to the wind and know that our God is bigger than death. I want them to revel in the fact that your death has brought great change in the hearts and minds of hundreds if not thousands and to never forget that all things work for the good of those that LOVE the Lord. We will forever have a hole in our lives and hearts but the reason we go on is because Christ Jesus has filled that hole that nothing else can fill. Davis and Campbell have a treasure trove of funny memories, of great accomplishment, and sheer greatness to hold onto the rest of their lives. Thank you Blair for giving them such a heritage from the Lord!

I know that I will remember this trip the rest of my days. There is nothing that you wanted more than for us to leave your ashes here and celebrate a life, our love, our precious friends and family, and our blessings. SO, WE WILL!! We will eat our way through Italy and we vow to remember that though sorrow may last for the night, unspeakable joy comes in the morning. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father who loved me enough to give me the priviledge of sharing my life with you. I am thankful to my precious friends, Beth and Rebecca and Karla, that have joined me in this journey of completion and I so am thankful to my sister (in law) and in Christ who holds my greatest link to Blair's hilarity and zest for life on this earth. I love you and I thank you!

'Lord, You have given us today as a gift. We take it gratefully and vow to never forget that death is temporary. Eternity is forever!!! Help us, remind us, and empower us with your Holy Spirit to help others understand the reality of eternity and the temporary state we live in. Remind us daily of heaven's glory! Give us glimpses and help us to believe and live like this day could be our last. Bless our family as we press on. Lord, give Davis and Campbell a supernatural understanding of their Heavenly Father that heals the absence of Blair in their hearts. Give them the ability to comprehend eternity at a very young age! Thank you for giving us life by the giving of your own! We love you, we praise you, and I give you all the glory! AMEN!!'

In the pouring down rain, ponchos on, 'having a moment', on a moutaintop 500 feet above 'the' Roman Road we then scattered Blair's ashes after I read this. Final does not even describe it...but reliving it only reminds me that it is so not final and oh I am so glad.

We continued the journey to Lecco, Bologna, Modena, Florence, Verona, Vicenza, Venice, Marostica, Como and then back to Zurich, Switzerland. What a trip! God be praised for safe travels and honestly the most belly-laughing time I have ever had in my life. What a trip!!

Dreams

Well, once again I am so far behind on this whole blogging thing for all of you who follow. I'll do better, but who am I kidding, I have two children. Most of you who read this know that a year has now come and gone since Blair left this earth for his new home in heaven. Today, May 1, Davis decided he would take a 'bath' aka 'Can I play in the tub uninterrupted by my sister?' this morning. While in the tub pretending he was in the movie Nemo with his plastic bag full of fish, he looked over at me and said, "Mommy, Daddy came in the door last night and gave me a hug and told me he loved me and then said he had to go back to heaven.' 'Really,' I said, of course not believing my ears. 'Did you dream that Davis?,' I asked in a very puzzled thought process. 'I guess,' he answered. Regardless, that precious baby ensued to discuss where Daddy was and why we couldn't go back to heaven with him. Oh my word, I was trying desperately in my head to come up with just the perfect words for him. So, I went on to say a few things about our own 'not nice things that we do and say to others' and how we could be with Jesus and that he died for us because he loved us and that is how we get to go to heaven. I honestly don't know what all I said because I was still numb that he had a dream about Blair, a year later. Then that precious child said, 'But Mommy, Jesus said let the little children come to Me for such is the kingdom of heaven, so he wants us to come to Him in heaven.' ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Did you just say that, at THREE??? Yes, he did and just as boldly and as confindently as I type this that baby knew that Jesus wanted him there, child or adult. That my friends is the power of SCRIPTURE!!! Thank you Lord for the sword of the spirit that is sharper than any two-edged sword and can penetrate the heart of a 3 year old to remind him that he is important and Jesus wants and loves him so much.

I couldn't help but share something that I will never forget with you. Do not be fooled at what they are picking up on, good or bad. Davis has an indeliable mark on his brain of what his Daddy means to him, regardless if he will never touch or feel his hug again. And, those scriptures about heaven that we sing over and over will stay with him till he gets there himself. Thank you Jesus for the gift of song and the combination of scripture. How blessed are we to have it available to us?

April has been bittersweet for all of us no doubt. We celebrated Easter together as a family and of course I couldn't help but think the whole day how grateful I was for power of Christ in my life but also I was overwhelmed with memories of our 'last holiday' that we celebrated. They dedicated the auditorium in the 50th squadron building in memory of Blair and after the dedication the squadron perceded to burn a piano, in WWII fighter tradition, in memory of Blair. They toasted him while the pianist played a burning piano. It was such a special day and we capped it off with a huge party, in true Blair form, at our house in honor of all of the precious people who have helped us over this past year. It was a perfect evening of awesome food, great friends, great music, thanks to Blair's cousin, http://www.russromine.com/, shameless plug but he is so awesome, and just the most precious bunch of people you have ever met. I'm so blessed and I can't even begin to tell you what it meant to see all of those sweet faces there to celebrate a life of meaning and a life that has caused great change in many lives.

Miss you all and thanks so much for all your prayers, comments and selfless sacrifices.

All my love,

Rachel