Friday, April 23, 2010

Hard to Believe

I'm sure anyone reading this post wants to know what's inside my head on this day. Obviously, there is too much to write for that post so here is where I'll share with you my thoughts two years later.

Amid the chaos of these past two weeks...high fevers, babies in the bed with me, a catheter (that's a whole other post), and rattley chests, I have really not had a chance to just take it all in. But, no time like the present because these days are fleeting and I'm going to forget.

You all know that music plays such a huge role in my relationship with the Lord and it's the best way I express to Him how much I love Him..even if I'm not singing it but just listening and praying it back to Him. I was listening to 'Healing is In Your Hands' this morning and my daily dose of 'In Christ Alone.' Wow, what powerful words but my thoughts still came back to my own choosing to allow Him to be vulnerable enough to let His power work in my life to give all the glory of survival and thriving back to Him. IT'S OUR CHOICE to let Him do this in our lives...all of us...regardless of situation.

Kelly and I were talking this week about pain and heartaches. There are two categories that characterize them all, the first being pruning for the believer and the second being discipline for the believer. More often for all of us...pruning is occuring. But, man the pruning hurts. I just think about real gardens...botanical gardens where people pay money to see the not my backyard. There are staffers with their sole job being clipping and pruning to make it beautiful, gorgeous, heavenly to the eyes. That's it for us...He's clipping you and me ..clipping the unneeded, the ugliness of our reveal the glory of people look at us and say, 'WOW, isn't HE awesome and powerful to be able to create that out of a seed.' hurts, but in the end the pain is worth the heaven to the eyes. Hopefully, people will see JESUS and that heaven in our own eyes is very real..a real place with no pruning and no pain and no tears.

So amid the chaos, we have really come to a place where life is..well, good(I know this is a such a trite t-shirty type statement but hey, it's true). The day to day activity and routine is great, the kids are really precious, and I have to say that I am beyond content with my situation. Now, it gets crazy but fortunately I call in the troops when that happens and say to myself...'this too shall pass' and it does. We talk about Blair literally every day and there is not an hour that goes by that we don't mention him or miss him. BUT, my mission is to point my children toward heaven and keep my own eyes fixed there myself regardless of what we are missing.

This is the forever long post but wow, things are a changin' around here. WE ARE MOVING!! Most of you know this but it never hurts to make the official announcement in two places. Last fall Davis played Smart Start soccert at the base. He scored a goal and ran past me with both thumbs up and yelled to the sidelines, 'Thumbs up, Mom.' It was precious but it broke my heart at the same time that my parents and David and Judy would rarely ever get to see him play being almost 2 and half hours away. It was at that moment that I started praying about moving. God confirmed many times over through an undeniable peace about the sitution and other random things (again, another post in and of itself). The Air Force will move us for three years after Blair's death. As of today, we are two years into it...and that left one to make some serious decisions about our future. SO, we are moving to Huntsville this August. We are building a house that was already started and we just get to pick out the fun stuff. Just so happens that Blair's best friend since grade school , Mark Chastain, lives 5 houses down with his precious wife, Larissa, and their three kids. To say that they love my kids, is an understatement. They are beyond excited and we are thrilled to get to move closer to home. And, I can't say I am not thrilled about being near a Target and Sam's woohoo! Bittersweet, oh me yes. But, the friends we have made over the years will be forever and distance is just a mileage number on the highway, right? My number of texts will just be much greater ..than it already is!:)

I'm posting some recent pics of the kids but the reason I even posted today was because of Davis's drawing at school yesterday. He loves to write in 'cursive' and then he interprets. He wrote and then told Ms. Lynn what to write yesterday and this is a could have been the entire post. It's beyond pitiful but yet, he gets it... this is not the end. He misses Blair terribly and it shows and I'm glad that he can express himself through 'cursive.' My little man is tough but his emotions are as real as ever, two years later. He has no idea that today it has been two years since Blair died. I nor anyone else has even mentioned it but yet, his heart, as all of our hearts are, was heavy. Only God knows but again, HIS timing is perfect. As good as our best day is, it still doesn't compare to heaven. So I hope you've had a blessed day. I'm painting...a great end to a day of remembrance! I love you and thank you for your messages today. I'm blessed and lifted up on eagle's wings by your prayers.

Friday, January 1, 2010

One is Silver, the Other Gold

There was this overwhelming sense to write this post today. A decade has past and looking at my life over the last 10 years on the the first day of my next 10 years, I am honestly overwhelmed at the joy, the sorrow, the fun, the growth, the blessings, the pain, the ashes, the fire, the quenching, the kids, the help, and the prayers. I could go on and on down this entire entry.
I mean really, in the last 10 years I have buried Todd, married again, moved to New Orleans, had two amazing pregnancies resulting in two precious kids, weathered Katrina, moved again to Florence, then San Antonio, then Columbus, lost Blair, scattered his ashes in Italy, raised two kids (with LOTS of help) to know that HEAVEN IS REAL, and SURVIVED!! I am tired just reading that! Seriously, in 10 years who would have thought!! Not me, that's for sure.
I sit here on the brink of what has to be another decade of growth for sure, but hopefully a little less fire. BUT, if not, TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY.
The emotions are so eloquently summed up in Davis's tears last night as he gazed upon our last family picture on his dresser and cried, 'I just miss him so much and I want him to come out of heaven and play with me." Me too, buddy, me too. I was speechless and at that moment I felt so sorry for my sweet baby boy. I rarely have that feeling because I can't let myself go there. It's too painful. But last night was heart wrenching because as he gets older HE sees what he is missing. He sees other daddies and wants his. Ugh, life just hits you square on in moments like that. The reality is so vivid and clear and my comeback to all of that was simple. WE WILL SEE HIM AGAIN and it will be perfect. Hold, squeeze, kiss, rock, repeat. 'Daddy is so proud of you and the man that you are becoming.' All I could think was , 'Dear Lord, please come quickly so I do not have to tell him this for the next decade.' Can I get an AMEN?
So, if you are sobbing I am sorry. I keep remembering that verse this weekend that says it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of feasting. We have all done some serious feasting these past few weeks. Honestly, it's been downright ridiculous for most of us. I am still stuffed from Christmas day and my four meals. I mean come on!!! But, how aprepo for me to mourn this weekend and start the year off with a fresh perspective on the why in the world I have gone through this craziness over the last 10.
I'll tell you why, because you are reading this and reminding yourself as you are reading that this is about your own PERSONAL relationship with Jesus Christ. THAT IS ALL WE TAKE WITH US! You can't take your 401 K (or half of it post July of 09), you can't take your car (even though I heart my mini-van like nobody's business), you can't take your kids (even though somedays that might seem like a great idea, LOL), you can't take your degree or title, you can't take your lovie or your 'security blanket' (even though Davis asks me all the time if God will let him have his rabbit in heaven). NONE of it, just what you have done to make HIM famous and the relationship you have with HIM. Wow, that's something to think about in 2010. I want to be bolder, I want to know HIS WORD better, and I want to deeply invest in people more in 2010 --because this is it. One chance....blip on the screen of eternity.
Did I mention that I love NEW YEAR's DAY! Wow, nothing like a fresh start, huh? I am glad I was at a house of mourning this weekend. Weird, I know. Mourning is good, we should all do it more. May this find you contemplative this day. I love you all and sorry I have slacked so bad on posting....I'll do better in 2010.