Monday, June 18, 2012
'Writing is easy. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.' Red Smith
If this quote I just read on Twitter is true...here comes some blood.
This past week has been so amazing and one of the saddest of my last 4 years. The only reason I bleed here is because I do not want to forget and I want to remember. I want my children to have a place to land when they can't remember how they felt..not that they will want to...but on some level I know they will not remember these days. So ...just a disclaimer.
We spent the last week at one of the most amazing places on earth. Kanakuk Kamps are bar none straight up amazing. K-Kauai Family Kamp equals Jesus Disney World. For real...you should go. Book now....they are almost full. :) In the mornings there is teaching for the parents with amazing pastors from all across the country and the kids have their age appropriate groups to romp and play with. They love it and the parents really love it. This year our pastor, Miles Paludan, taught on parenting ....last year it was a different topic. Now, I love a good parenting sermon, a great parenting book....all things child rearing are amazing. But...to sit there alone and listen to sweet Miles bringing the words of Proverbs alive for us.....was tough...I'm not gonna lie. As much as I know in a spiritual realm that I am so not alone....let's be real....my flesh is alone.
One of the last nights of camp I came to the dining hall after an exhausting day at Silver Dollar City. It was a parent's night off and fondue was being served while the best counselors in the lower 48 played with our kids. My kids were toast...so I was getting PB&Js made for them. I stood there waiting for my sandwiches and I can honestly tell you that I have never been more aware of my aloneness in the last four years. It was brutal...those precious friends of mine enjoying delish food around beautiful tables...laughing, enjoying, being fed and there I stood waiting on PB&Js to take back to two precious tired hungry children. In my mind, I knew I could not stay in that space but for a moment I really wondered if this plan was good.
Then yesterday was Father's Day. It was fine...uneventful. We recorded a video, sent it to the granddads, moved on along and then about four o'clock it came. Davis started acting very strange. He said he wasn't going to talk for two days. Well, I knew that was ridiculous but he then proceeded to start trying to sign what he wanted me to know. Now...I will be honest...it was hilarious but inside I knew he was desperate to let out a flood of sheer pain. He felt it so deep he thought that not talking for two days would make it leave. He finally caved after many a guess on the signing of letters fell way short. He crawled into my lap and said these words through huge crocodile tears and I, like you, may never forget them....'How could God's plan be good when I don't have a daddy?'
Well what in the world do I say to that.....I fumbled through Jeremiah...I said things like a hope and a future and 'Davis can you agree that God has' and he couldn't....and he still wasn't connecting and he was angry. He said he was jealous because everyone had a daddy but him. It doesn't matter that some are total deadbeats.....if blood flows through their veins it is good to Davis. I caught myself 'explaining' that so many people had met Jesus because of Blair's death and I stopped....he doesn't want to hear that. Praise God the Holy Spirit spoke through me...again, a moment when I am not really sure what I said but it went something like this.
'Davis, it may not have been a good plan for you to not have a daddy right now, but can you agree with me on one thing?, I said. Can you agree that Jesus loves you?' Finally he softened and looked me square in they eye.....'Yes, I can agree,' he said. I know at that point I looked at him and sweetly explained that God who loved his precious baby boy so much just like I love you gave him up for us. 'I know that we may never believe that it was a good plan for our daddy to not be here but we know that Jesus loves us and that He WILL provide for us.' This is all I know....this is TRUTH. The facts are that to a 6 year old....it is a pretty cruddy plan to not have a dad. The TRUTH is that our God has promised us a hope and a future and not to harm us.
So...here in lies the GAP theory. Gap theory, as my friend Leah so eloquently pointed out, is the place where what we know as TRUTH from God's word and what is happening in the natural world do not meet. An example would be....when we pray for healing and we do not see immediate miraculous healing, when we pray for a wayward child to be restored and believe God for that and it is not immediate, when a little boy needs his daddy and questions the 'good plan'....there is the GAP. I live in the gap and on some level you do too. So tonight, this is what I choose....I'm looking at Jesus not the GAP. And that is how I'm parenting....not on what we don't have but what we do....which is abundant life with a God who became flesh and died for my rottenness. There is no GAP between us anymore.....we are ONE. And...we can agree...that was a great plan.