Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT
Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. —Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
If I could go get a stone and put it in my yard...like Stonehenge big...I would have on Tuesday, April 19....I would. It would be visible for miles....to all who will listen and look. I'm telling you right now, this past Monday night was my weakest, worst, and the hardest night of my entire tenure as a mother. Now...let's be honest ....there will be many more of those but in 5 and a half years that would have been it.
You all know that Davis has had some pretty extensive counseling over the last year of processing his new normal. He has done an amazing job of 'playing it out' literally. He is such a communicator and leaves nothing to the imagination about how he feels about Blair's death. BUT, this is a process like none other and it comes in waves. The tsunami of his grief hit him Monday night. He was beyond devastated, wailing, sobbing, asking, pleading, and begging me to answer questions that I simply have no answer for and only ONE does....that's the ONE. In his words, he missed Blair's strong arms hugging him after work and he just wanted him to come down from heaven for 4 nights and spend the night with us...and then he could go back. 'I just need to see him so bad,' he would say through salty precious tears that no doubt our Savior will hand to us in a jar when we get there. Oh me....i don't even need to explain the sheer magnitude of my helplessness. What do you say....I had nothing...I was beyond exhausted and the tears of my baby boy had me in a tailspin of questions of my own....not to mention my own salty tear-ridden face. Pathetic cannot even begin to touch the two of us laying in Davis's twin bunk bed.
Finally, after answering with answers that could not suffice but were my best effort, I just decided that we needed to ask the ONE who comforts and binds our wounds that had us bloody. I'm not sure what I said but I do know...the Holy Spirit spoke through me and through Davis's sweet prayers. I left Davis that night calm and I asked him to pray on his own and just talk to God about how he felt. He did....
I woke up the next morning before the kids and just found myself beat up from the night before. I worshipped...because I say this with all sincerity ...that is all I know to do. I have no where else to turn. After being in a state of sheer brokenness for my child and his grief, I was listening to a song about healing when a child read Psalm 139 within the song where He clearly says..
.1You have looked deep
into my heart, LORD,
and you know all about me.
2You know when I am resting
or when I am working,
and from heaven
you discover my thoughts.
3You notice everything I do
and everywhere I go.
4Before I even speak a word,
you know what I will say,
5and with your powerful arm
you protect me
from every side.
6I can't understand all of this!
Such wonderful knowledge
is far above me.
AND WITH YOUR POWERFUL ARM YOU PROTECT ME FROM EVERY SIDE.....the same words my child has spoken as the one thing that he remembered and missed. I was a mess...you can imagine.
Then he woke up ...our Ebenezer stone laying day....and said the Holy Spirit spoke to him and he saw a box with an angel in it....and the angel said to him...'You will see your daddy soon.'
PAGE BREAK....if you read this and question the 'realness' of Davis's statement....it's ok. I understand. BUT ....even the disciples thought children were a wee bit bothersome and really had no spiritual purpose in the kingdom. Jesus had a few words for them..."LET THEM COME TO ME." Jesus blessed my son this night with something you nor I can explain. We say sometimes flippantly say that Jesus is the Author and Perfectocr of our FAITH.....he was and is and did that for my child. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS STORY.
We stayed home from Bible study to seek out a large large box to make a 12 foot rainbow for his room to remind him of heaven (his idea). While painting our rainbow, he spoke with great confidence about what the Holy Spirit had sealed in his heart. We already had a counseling appointment that day (divine), and so when we got there it was truly like he was telling Ms. Pam that he had gotten a trampoline for Christmas. "Ms. Pam, the Holy Spirit spoke to me last night and told me that I was going to see my daddy soon.' Healed completely....not til we are on gold streets, but that night God sealed for that child why his beloved daddy cannot come down from heaven. So much so that at lunch and bedtime, he no longer prayed that God would help him to understand why his daddy couldn't come down from heaven, a prayer which he has prayed for months and months. He said, 'Mom, I don't need to pray that anymore, I understand.' God seared a bleeding heart with HIS WORD...with the ONE He sent to be with us always...because it was better that way. Yes, yes it was.
This is my public dedication to what God did in the life and heart of a child. Here lies the restoration and the Ebenezer of help. Here lies a turning point for Davis. Here lies healing. Here.....three years almost to the day when Blair met Jesus face to face in a new perfect whole self. I am grateful...I am humbled....and my faith soars.
David himself said...'I can't understand all of this! Such wonderful knowledge is far above me!' The Holy Spirit is that indeed. My child tasted His glory and has told almost everyone he has seen since Tuesday...he's so excited and in fact asked me tonight ...'Do you think the Holy Spirit talks to other kids?' Yes, buddy I do but I am so glad he whispered to you! Geez....I stand amazed.
Blair. you would be proud of your little buddy. He makes me want for more of HIM in a way that only a child could. Thank you for our two precious gifts. ....til we meet you in the sky. All my love....R
