Heaven, Chick Fil-A, and 10 years

It clicked for her today. It may have been before today but today was the day that she referenced her daddy and said, 'He doesn't even know me ...yet.' While laying her head on her princess pillow with me laying beside her in a twin bed...she longed for him to know her today...not as a baby but as an almost 4 year old.

YET....

yet (yt) adv. 1. At this time; for the present: isn't ready yet. 2. Up to a specified time; thus far: The end had not yet come. 3. At a future time; eventually: may yet change his mind. 4. Besides; in addition: returned for yet another helping. 5. Still more; even: a yet sadder tale. 6. Nevertheless: young yet wise.

What a word. At a future time...in addition to....still more....you better believe it Campbell. YET we know that he will know her one day. He will know that precious lively firecracker of an angel who would absolutely melt his heart when she cries. He will know her wit, her spunk, her zest and her trademark pig tails. He will know her compassion and her love for every human in her life and even the ones she doesn't know. He will know and relish her aptitude for details and her insatiable need to hold, love on, touch, play with and attend to babies...real ones and fake ones. And she will know him.

THE ULTIMATE YET.......Yet I am always with you: you hold me by my right hand. Ps 73:23 He does hold her with HIS LOVING, TRUSTWORTHY, NAIL-SCARRED right hand. When she realizes that her daddy truly did not know the person she is even more from this point on...I will share this verse with her. I will comfort her with His words because mine are so inadequate comparatively. His right hand and my left.....we are a team and make no mistake Campbell....He's got us!!!

And...in the next breath that little peanut asks me if when we get to heaven if we will be able to 'come down' for a Chick Fil-A milkshake.....and no I'm not kidding. She's three..clearly. Of all the things to 'come down' for....a milkshake seems quite reasonable don't you think? My emotional come apart was quickly diverted by this comment.

And......it's been 10 years tomorrow since Todd met Jesus. My my how life has changed for all of us in the last 10 years.....and in the next 10 it will again. He is the Constant.... for me, there was no other place to turn in the last 10 or the next 65. My prayer tonight is for four sets of parents who have one child on earth and one in heaven. My heart aches for them while I hold onto my living legacies. I truly never understood how Ed and Glenda felt until I had my own babies and even then, I can't even fathom....losing a child cannot be compared. I am humbled to watch Ed and Glenda pour out themselves as a drink offering to other families who have lost children. They use their loss for His glory and I am so proud of how God has used them to help others cope, understand, and laugh again. Todd would be so proud of you both and I am privileged to walk along side you for His glory alone.

What a difference a day can make....a realization of what should be for Campbell and a decade of anniversaries remembered. I stand in awe of what He has done, how He has moved, who He has changed in the last 10 years. Believing Him for exceedingly more than I could ask or imagine.....I Love YOU!!

Today was the day.....

Today was the day that my baby boy started his journey to higher learning.....and wow what a day it was. I wanted to share a letter that I wrote him as I reflect on this day. One...so it will be permanent and we won't forget and two...for me to just catalog a flood of emotion.

My beloved Davis,

Today you walked into the halls of Whitesburg Academy and instantly you grew up before my eyes. But, this journey began almost 6 years ago and will continue til Jesus takes us home.

You came into this world with quite a buzz.....mommy was 34 weeks pregnant when Hurricane Katrina changed what your birthday would look like. Instead of Baptist hospital in New Orleans, you met us at ECM hospital in Florence on October 10, 2005....because of a storm...isn't that amazing? It was God's sweet provision for us to have a home and careers that were incredibly accomodating to our situation. BUT, more than any of that...it was the greatest day of my life (besides the day I met Jesus). You were perfect in every way. We cried tears of joy....just like I shed while we were swinging yesterday. You can't understand 'happy tears' but mommy cries lots of those because I am so grateful that your were God's perfect gift to me and daddy.

There is no way to sum up six years in a letter but I am going to try because I want you to know that the little boy that you have become makes me so proud. I adore you and you are a true delight to my soul.

Year one...wow, mommy didn't quite know what she was doing but we had quite the adventure. From New Orleans, to Florence, to Columbus, to San Antonio....you were quite the little trooper for all of our moves. Not to mention, you were the brightest light in our eyes. I learned in that year what it meant to know Jesus in such a way that you could follow me to the cross. I am forever grateful for the fervor that you gave me to pursue His kingdom and all its righteousness. I truly believe that in God sharing the gift of motherhood with me....HE allowed me to really understand the cross in a way I never had. On top of all that...you were the cutest little thing ever and you slept really well...Praise you Jesus:))!

Year two....wow...can you say...PER-SO-NA-LITY!! Man...you were clapping, swim float swimming, not walking (of which I was not sad about but daddy was ultra concerned..ha), high fiving, 'so bigging', and signing with the best of them. You knew what you wanted and went for it. It was amazing to watch you lap up the knowledge and the love of the world around you. You were a constant source of entertainment and joy....you still are.

Year three....well....as your personality grew...so did your will...big smile. We think they might have written a few books on you this year.....like one called 'THE STRONG WILLED CHILD.' You were a t-ball hitting crazy man, knowledge seeking, a red mustang driving, dirt digging, full of life little boy. You gave us quite the run for our money in year three. BUT, with God's word and wise counsel, we trained and we trained and we trained......and we're still training. Growing in wisdom and stature is quite the process....:) Daddy met Jesus in Columbus this year. You didn't really seem to understand at the time the permanence of our new normal. Your life and day to day...minus the evenings... really did not change that dramatically. There was a hole left for all of us that only Jesus can fill for us everyday.

Year four...as we settled and another year of preschool started it became even more apparent to me how intelligently curious you were about everything. The one day that we found 5 different kinds of lichens and you wanted to 'google' them ....I knew I was in for quite the ride. You are a voracious learner and I am so grateful that God has given you this fire. I knew one day soon the training would become fruit. I could see the beginning buds. It's so hard to parent you alone and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that angels must have followed you tenderly everytime you climbed Mark and Elizabeth's crape myrtles and every other time you jumped off something crazy. God is truly our helper and we get that in a very real way. He is your daddy today while yours sits at His feet in heaven waiting for the most amazing reunion one day. Miss Bekka was our earthly angel and carted you and Cam around like y'all were her own kids. We will always be grateful and I don't want you to forget what all she did for you. They ate every 'Monday night meal' with us....and we treasured our sweet little table full of laughs and people but more than that we treasured the company and compassion.

And year 5....wow...Davis you are certainly the most amazing little boy. Since the day you turned 5 our life has been full of the highest highs and some of our lowest lows. We moved to Huntsville and life took on new characteristics and emotions that you had never felt nor experienced. God has again been our Defender, our Provider, our Abba. He was present enough that within this year you heard His call and responded right after your 5th birthday. You were baptized in May and there is no doubt in my mind that pieces of obedience and grace are coming together in the puzzle for you. Your heart is tender to His word and I am so grateful that we can 'talk about it' and move on with Jesus knowing that He has covered us with His blood. It is a treasure to mother a child that constantly keeps me engaged and in tune to His spirit and the truth of Deuteronomy 11:19. You embody walking along and talking about His words.....you bring us back all the time....how grateful I am! As hard as it has been, God has the most amazing purpose for your life. No doubt in my mind....His kingdom will be different with you in it.

So...as I reflect on my uncontrollable tears....and swinging with you....wow...I'm overwhelmed. The swinging brought back these years of swinging and singing 'If you're happy and you know it'....but it brought back the face that I have seen mature into the boy that stands before me with his purple academy shirt, new tennis shoes, and magnetic belt. The years have flown and my love has grown exponentially for who Jesus is in you and for you as one of the ultimate contributors to this thing we call life. With every pump of the swing, I saw new beauty in our ashes. You told me that you wished your daddy could see you go to kindergarten. Of course you wanted that, and I wanted that. But, in reality you know he does....and he is incredibly excited for what your future holds. It's gonna be amazing baby boy. Kindergarten.....watch out. There's a little boy at Table 3 who is God's mighty warrior.

DAVIS'S and MY EBENEZER

Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. —Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Samuel placed a large stone at the place where this restoration began. He publicly dedicated it as a monument to God's help, God's faithfulness, God's eternal covenant. And as the people got on with their lives, the stone stood there, visible to all who passed that way, a reminder of mercy and restoration.

If I could go get a stone and put it in my yard...like Stonehenge big...I would have on Tuesday, April 19....I would. It would be visible for miles....to all who will listen and look. I'm telling you right now, this past Monday night was my weakest, worst, and the hardest night of my entire tenure as a mother. Now...let's be honest ....there will be many more of those but in 5 and a half years that would have been it.

You all know that Davis has had some pretty extensive counseling over the last year of processing his new normal. He has done an amazing job of 'playing it out' literally. He is such a communicator and leaves nothing to the imagination about how he feels about Blair's death. BUT, this is a process like none other and it comes in waves. The tsunami of his grief hit him Monday night. He was beyond devastated, wailing, sobbing, asking, pleading, and begging me to answer questions that I simply have no answer for and only ONE does....that's the ONE. In his words, he missed Blair's strong arms hugging him after work and he just wanted him to come down from heaven for 4 nights and spend the night with us...and then he could go back. 'I just need to see him so bad,' he would say through salty precious tears that no doubt our Savior will hand to us in a jar when we get there. Oh me....i don't even need to explain the sheer magnitude of my helplessness. What do you say....I had nothing...I was beyond exhausted and the tears of my baby boy had me in a tailspin of questions of my own....not to mention my own salty tear-ridden face. Pathetic cannot even begin to touch the two of us laying in Davis's twin bunk bed.

Finally, after answering with answers that could not suffice but were my best effort, I just decided that we needed to ask the ONE who comforts and binds our wounds that had us bloody. I'm not sure what I said but I do know...the Holy Spirit spoke through me and through Davis's sweet prayers. I left Davis that night calm and I asked him to pray on his own and just talk to God about how he felt. He did....

I woke up the next morning before the kids and just found myself beat up from the night before. I worshipped...because I say this with all sincerity ...that is all I know to do. I have no where else to turn. After being in a state of sheer brokenness for my child and his grief, I was listening to a song about healing when a child read Psalm 139 within the song where He clearly says..

.¹You have looked deep

into my heart, LORD,

and you know all about me.

²You know when I am resting

or when I am working,

and from heaven

you discover my thoughts.

³You notice everything I do

and everywhere I go.

⁴Before I even speak a word,

you know what I will say,

⁵and with your powerful arm

you protect me

from every side.

⁶I can't understand all of this!

Such wonderful knowledge

is far above me.

AND WITH YOUR POWERFUL ARM YOU PROTECT ME FROM EVERY SIDE.....the same words my child has spoken as the one thing that he remembered and missed. I was a mess...you can imagine.

Then he woke up ...our Ebenezer stone laying day....and said the Holy Spirit spoke to him and he saw a box with an angel in it....and the angel said to him...'You will see your daddy soon.'

PAGE BREAK....if you read this and question the 'realness' of Davis's statement....it's ok. I understand. BUT ....even the disciples thought children were a wee bit bothersome and really had no spiritual purpose in the kingdom. Jesus had a few words for them..."LET THEM COME TO ME." Jesus blessed my son this night with something you nor I can explain. We say sometimes flippantly say that Jesus is the Author and Perfectocr of our FAITH.....he was and is and did that for my child. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS STORY.

We stayed home from Bible study to seek out a large large box to make a 12 foot rainbow for his room to remind him of heaven (his idea). While painting our rainbow, he spoke with great confidence about what the Holy Spirit had sealed in his heart. We already had a counseling appointment that day (divine), and so when we got there it was truly like he was telling Ms. Pam that he had gotten a trampoline for Christmas. "Ms. Pam, the Holy Spirit spoke to me last night and told me that I was going to see my daddy soon.' Healed completely....not til we are on gold streets, but that night God sealed for that child why his beloved daddy cannot come down from heaven. So much so that at lunch and bedtime, he no longer prayed that God would help him to understand why his daddy couldn't come down from heaven, a prayer which he has prayed for months and months. He said, 'Mom, I don't need to pray that anymore, I understand.' God seared a bleeding heart with HIS WORD...with the ONE He sent to be with us always...because it was better that way. Yes, yes it was.

This is my public dedication to what God did in the life and heart of a child. Here lies the restoration and the Ebenezer of help. Here lies a turning point for Davis. Here lies healing. Here.....three years almost to the day when Blair met Jesus face to face in a new perfect whole self. I am grateful...I am humbled....and my faith soars.

David himself said...'I can't understand all of this! Such wonderful knowledge is far above me!' The Holy Spirit is that indeed. My child tasted His glory and has told almost everyone he has seen since Tuesday...he's so excited and in fact asked me tonight ...'Do you think the Holy Spirit talks to other kids?' Yes, buddy I do but I am so glad he whispered to you! Geez....I stand amazed.

Blair. you would be proud of your little buddy. He makes me want for more of HIM in a way that only a child could. Thank you for our two precious gifts. ....til we meet you in the sky. All my love....R

Oh me...I've missed you!!

Ok, ridiculous isn't it that I have not blogged in almost a year. My apologies...it's been a little crazy. No way to go back and reflect....that's a book. So....I'm starting fresh...are you ready!!! I'm kind of excited....inspired by sweet friends who are waaaay more into this than I am....and ready to catalog our life so my kids will have more than pictures....although they are worth a thousand words....when you take good ones...heehee.

It is really about today ....which just ended and why I'm up doing this I'm not sure....yes I am. God showed me something amazing that those of us with children will especially find hope in and I need to share it. It's too long for a tweet or FB status...and He might have this for you tomorrow.

Learning about surrender....heard a teaching this morning about it and it was profound. I wrote down a few things that I needed to do...thought of some more. Would you believe one of the very things I had thought of that I needed to put at rest...move on....say my apologies for being careless about happened this afternoon. It was beautiful and it was straight from Him. I needed to close this door so another one could open and it was just amazing as the grace and mercy flowed. Man....it's these things that I don't want to forget ....when I hear Him speak to me and ...there it is. I'm always surprised...shouldn't be but I am.

Ok....so now to kids. Davis is 5 and Campbell is 3. We have had some major shifts in who gets the brunt of most of the discipline. I'll let you guess...Davis has matured...Campbell...well, she's 3...enough said. It is beautiful to see but all the while I kind of feel like I'm in a deja vu and the child under my wing more often than not is blond and blue eyed....girl. Wow...my how things change. Anyway, Davis has struggled recently with ugly thoughts....not necessarily evil....just things he shouldn't dwell on. It's normal, I was prepared for it, have seen it before, have had counselors warn me, etc.....but when he is your own ...it is so difficult to help him. So...where to go, no where else but the Word. Here it is....'Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ'.....we are talking a lot these days about what a captive thought looks like and what to do with it. So...what 's next. Think about such things....Phil 4:8...whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Alpha Gams can I get an amen)....these things Davis...heaven, how much we love you, how blessed we are, your greatest memories. So that....Phil. 4:9 ...you can put this new way of thinking into practice and the God of PEACE will be with you. PEACE....love the Word, love the thought of dwelling here, love that my child knows and loves Jesus enough to recognize a thought not of Christ and verbalize...'Mom, I'm holding that one captive.' Thanks be to you O LORD for your perfect holy WORD ...that NEVER comes back void..never!!!

Ok..second thing. LYING...this is a big one but it's amazing how God has worked...today. We all know the devastation lying can bring to families. It's horrible ...which is why in Prov 12:22...it says.." The Lord detests (some transl. disgusted) lying lips, BUT HE delights in men who are truthful." Delights....please Lord do that in me. Please. Davis lied....ugh...my poor child. He is being made an example because I do not want to forget this day and what He brought me to and through on this day. Seems simple but I assure you it so huge. Nothing like putting some scripture to good use in a day to memorize it in a way that you will never forget it. He actually lied two days ago now....but then needed to revisit his 'fable' again this morning. Oh boy....to lie twice about the same thing....clearly the teaching did not sink in. It was strange honestly...he usually is repentant beyond belief and it's a moot point until the next time....lying is rare but happens... let's be honest. So, discipline again....but the scripture that I normally use was just not really sinking in ...'Keep your tongue from evil and lips speaking lies.' It was not reaching the heart like I had hoped...clearly. And...then I go to hear this same teaching on surrender and what do you know ...Prov 12:22. I was dumbfounded at HIS GOODNESS for my moment....my need...HE MET ME. HE always does. HE met Davis when we got to the car. I told him I had a new scripture I was excited about. 'Mom, what does it mean to delight?' Oh that's easy....it means you jump up and down when your child repents and understands that their thoughts that are not His thoughts and are to be help captive. THAT IS DELIGHT....(I didn't tell him that...it was much simpler and 5 year oldish)! He got it....today. Tomorrow...it's a new day...it's a new blog...for me....

I love you Lord....you are so worthy. Listening to Christy Nockels sing 'I will carry your Name...for all of my days.' I will....not ever going back....I can think of no greater honor.